It's harder than it sounds. My starting color, formed from basically a lifetime of wearing nothing but t-shirts all summer, seems to be nicely bronzed forearms, and pale shoulders. I bought several sleeveless shirts, and I wear them constantly.

This won't even really be enough. A true tanning purist would probably point out that the top in question is actually a halter top (fastens around the neck, with bare shoulders), and all my shirts, and my swimsuit, are more tank-top shaped. I will wear this halter top to my sister's wedding, and it will obvious to one and all that I didn't really think this through. Small children will cry when they see my pasty-white tan lines.

(I will try to comfort them. "No, listen, it could have been SO MUCH worse. You didn't see me last summer." They will not be appeased, of course. Once a small child has stared into the abyss, there is no way to truly make up for it. All the small children I meet at Sarah's wedding will grow up to be axe murderers, probably. Years later, in therapy, it will be revealed that all of their issues stem from this one time that they saw a scary lady who didn't know how to tan properly. But I digress.)

I know what you're thinking. Who tans, anymore, anyway? The sun is bad now, who doesn't know that? It's all right, though. Getting A Little Sun, whilst doing outdoor activities=Good. Lying in the Sun, with a timer, and rotating every 20 minutes to assure even color distribution=Bad. Yup. Don't even try to tell me I haven't thought this through.


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