On the one hand, I love absolutely everyone I saw in the trailer. Will Ferrell as the crazy German author? Genius. Uma Thurman as Ulla? Can't wait. Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane? I'll admit I am a fan of both of them.

But I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for Gene Wilder, and that's really where the whole thing starts making me cringe. Matthew Broderick, what the HELL are you thinking? You, sirrah, are no Gene Wilder.

Apparently, this is a remake of the stage musical, also starring Broderick and Lane. When I first heard about the musical a few years ago, it seemed like a good idea. Why not bring the joy of "Springtime for Hitler" to a new audience, in a new format? Wilder will of course be the only real Leo Bloom, but since he was for various reasons unavailable for the new project, Broderick was an acceptable substitute.

And now there's this. I do want to see the new movie, just to know, but I think that on the whole, I disapprove.
***
I want Hollywood to STOP trying to remake my childhood. OK, The Producers came out in 1968. That's technically not my childhood. I was 12-ish the first time I saw it, though, and it warped my fragile little mind.

I was also pretty irrationally upset (for someone my age, anyway) when I heard about Steve Martin as Inspector Clouseau. God damn you to hell, Steve Martin. I loved you so much in the 80's. Then you started doing crappy family movies. It hurt, but I was prepared to let you go. You want to explore other directions as an actor, who am I to tell you no? You just go right ahead and suck, if that's what you really want to do. You'll always be a "Wild and Craaazeee Guy" to me.

(That's another reference I'm technically too young to make. My parents were very concerned about my upbringing. In a lot of ways, the pop culture parts of my brain are about 10-15 years older than I am. But I digress.)

Remaking The Pink Panther, Steve? That's crossing the line and you know it. You're going to go to hell for this one, Steve. Peter Sellers will come back from the dead and drag you there himself. For shame, Steve Martin. For shame.

I've just thought of the perfect revenge. Since my childhood has been destroyed anyway, let's just go all out. Mr. Martin, they've decided to remake The Jerk. Ben Affleck has agreed to shit all over YOUR first big movie. How do you like them apples? Bwahhaha!

And Mr. Broderick? Meet the new and improved Ferris Beuller, Ashton Kutcher. Oh yes.

It's going to happen. Rijid and I were talking about this last night. Hollywood is currently remaking the 70's. In about 10 years, they are going to get to the 80's, and then I will actually be forced to kill someone.

They'll remake The Lost Boys. You don't believe me? Just wait. Weird Science. Heathers. The Princess Bride. Oh my god, they'll remake The Big Chill. It will seem like a really good idea at the time.

Rijid's theory is that any movie that had a sequel is probably safe, so at least I don't have to worry about The Blues Brothers or Back to the Future. Remaking Ghostbusters may just be too much of a temptation to resist. A piece of me will die that day, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.
***
While I'm in Rant Mode here, let's talk about the other remake that really pissed me off recently. Johnny Depp, you know I love you more than life itself, but you remade Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I can't just ignore that. This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you, but I'm afraid I'm going to have remake Edward Scissorhands now. Say hello to Leonardo DiCaprio.
***
It occurs to me, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is yet another slap in Gene Wilder's face. Seriously, Hollywood, what did Gene Wilder ever do to you? What's next? Even Younger Frankenstein? I hate everything.


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