Today, things seem to be better, but if the keyboard gets pissy, I'll stop, even if I'm in the middle of a sentence. I'm just not in the mood to deal with any technology trying to tell me what for.

Yeah, biznitch. You see this? It's a THUMB. I have one, you do not. In fact, I have two of 'em! Both opposable! How do you like them apples? Bwahahaha!

Humans have thumbs, and keyboards do not. Humans are a higher life form than keyboards. In fact, it may interest you to know that humans, with thumbs, created keyboards. Without humanity in general you wouldn't even exist, let alone have a function. That's right. You just think about that for a little while.

In fact, you might also want to think about what will happen if you displease me. I don't want this to come off likem a threat, just something for you to keep in mind: at any time, me and my opposable thumbs can pick you up and throw you away. You can be replaced, my friend.

You may think you've got a pretty awful life right now, doing stuff just cuz the chick with the thumbs says so, but just take a minute to consider what life in the bottom of a dumpster would be like. It's cold there, and very dark.

I'm glad we had this little chat. You've been with me for a couple of months now, keyboard, and overall, I'm pleased with your performance. I just feel you could be giving me a little more, sometimes. I know it's rough, but I do demand 100% from all of my possessions. That includes you, the toaster, my shoes, everyone. Just try to remember. I've got the thumbs. That means I get to call the shots around here.

Sometimes, you just have to give the inanimate objects in your life The Thumb Speech. It keeps them in line. (I also use it to pull rank on George sometimes, but he's usually not very impressed. "Meh. What is this thumb of which you speak? I bite your alleged thumb, with pointy sharp teeth!")

In a way, talking to my keyboard makes more sense than trying to communicate with any of my other stuff. The keyboard can note the keys I'm typing, and realize I'm talking about it. No, wait. I just checked, and the keyboard was made in China. It might not speak English.

I think I need to reread some Tom Robbins now. Skinny Legs and All has the not-so-inanimate objects, but Even Cowgirls Get the Blues is the one about thumbs.

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