***

I might be losing the computer pretty soon (long story) so I thought maybe I should clean out the junkpile one last time while I still can. For those of you just tuning in, this is a bunch of stuff that I wrote that amused me enough to hold on to, but never quite made it into a real entry. I do this every few months, and a million laughs are had by one and all. Or, maybe not. This is all stuff that wasn't really that funny six months ago. Wheee!

***

It is 8:17 pm right now. I have no cigarettes. But D. will be home soon, and he will have the car. Then, I will go in search of cigarettes.

It will be good, to hunt the wily cigarette again. The thrill of the chase. Pitting my mind against a small cellophane covered packet of cancer. Yes, cigarettes, you are a worthy foe, but rest assured, I will make you mine tonight.

***

The Joy of Smoking--An Instructional Pamphlet for Today's Youth.

Chapter One: The thing about certain lighters.

Chapter Two: Clockwise vs. counterclockwise.

Chapter Three: Codewords.

The Esolonos Exchange ("Yes, I am fond of grapes." "But only the red ones." "Do you enjoy raisins?") has, in the last 15 years, become the most common method of determining the likemindedness of a potential new associate. Several local variations can convey almost mindboggling amounts of information but these three phrases must always be included in the conversation. The Double Esolonos, shown above, is easiest, but it lacks panache. The more complex Lateral Shift Esolonos with a Vermly Overture is preferred in most serious circles, but is not to be entered into casually.

***

When I was a kid, there was a Time Warp living in our house. Maybe he hung out with that old guy who lived in the basement. When anything (keys, lone

socks, etc.) went missing, clearly, the Time Warp had swallowed it. Maybe someday, he would give it back, maybe not.

My parents later told me they stole the idea from one of Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker books. It took me several rereadings, but I finally found it. It's one sentence. "A passing time warp" does something surreal and then disappears, never to be seen again.

This is how mythology is born.

***

Yeah I'm crazy! I'm crazy like a...like a grapefruit! Yeah,

you heard me. Just think about it.

***

Damn, I miss the internet. I used to be able to go online whenever I wanted. Monday, I couldn't take it anymore, and went over to visit Josh. He has three computers. D and Josh and I spent the whole day just sort of soaking in Internet goodness. I checked up on all the people I'm stalking, briefly. I'd really like to throw my two cents into Warren and Mr.Flibble's Two Towers debate, but by the time I got my thoughts out where anyone could see them, the conversation will be long over.

Wednesday, I got really drunk. Everyone sort of converged at Jake's house, with a bottle. Then, the phones came out. The horde of drunk people shouted at Hans over Jake's speakerphone. The horde left a completely incomprehensible message on CJ's machine. The horde tried to order a pizza, but Rijid, who was not yet quite as drunk as the rest of us, turned it into a normal phone call before the pizza lady got mad and denied us pizza altogether. We called Nicholas out in California. I remember going over to Josh's house with him, because it was very important to me to call Amanda. I got her voicemail.

"Dude! Why aren't you home! I so wanted to talk to you, because....um, oh yeah. I wanted to tell you that I have Figured It Out. Everything. I understand it all. The most important thing is, you have to figure out who you are. Once you know that, I mean, REALLY know who you are, the rest is easy. Uh, this is Ana by the way. Dude, where are you? I was all set up for this whole long conversation with you, because I know what the most important thing is, and you were going to be able to respond, and then I would say something else, and now that's just not happening. Dammit!"

***

There are two kinds of strange. One kind gets right up in your face, and says, "I am strange. I am wack. I am craaazy." She plans her strangeness, and every time she thinks of something strange to do, she'll tell you about it for at least a week.

The other kind just sits quietly next to you. Then, when you least expect it, she starts telling a long elaborate story about the monkeys who ride unicycles around in her brain. Red ones, with huge silver wheels and ribbons on the seat.

I have very little respect for anyone who claims to be crazy. It's too easy. Just be yourself, and tell me about the monkeys, if you have them.

***

Went to Milwaukee last weekend. Apparently, Lynne's boyfriend lives just a few short blocks away from where D and I lived while we lived there. I got myself a PAPER Onion and a Shepherd's Express. God, I miss that paper. Art Kumbalek. Free Will Astrology. Savage Love. Red Meat,yo! OK. I could in fact be following all of these things online. I see that now. But I miss seeing them every week in the local free paper. Independent weekly newspapers kick so much ass. Especially when they're free.

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