The point is, Lynne can not be here TODAY. I'm gonna talk about her Christmas present. Lynne, (or anyone who knows her, and wouldn't be able to keep a secret) GO AWAY. I mean it. Come back tomorrow.

I've been thinking about it a lot, and I've decided that I'm not very good at Christmas shopping. Either that, or every single person I know gives crappy suggestions. Let me tell you about my Dad. He asked for sweaters, dress shirts, socks, or gift certificates.

First of all, I know him. I know he really doesn't like shopping. And I hate giving gift certificates. It seems like cheating.

The socks thing is also completely out of the question. I could buy Lynne socks. Lynne likes cool socks. I could have had a lot of fun, looking at toe socks (Have you seen those things? They're like gloves for your feet! They're madness! When she wears them, she looks like she has muppet feet.), and socks with cute little animal designs, and socks with obnoxiously loud stripes. But my dad wears plain white socks. Was he seriously suggesting I buy him a six-pack of generic white socks? Sorry Dad, but I just don't want to be that person.

The shirts would also have been tricky. Long sleeve. Not white, or off white, or white with a pattern. It sounds simple enough, but just think about that. He's going to be wearing this shirt either under a sweater, or maybe with a tie. Did he care that this hypothetical shirt was going to be almost impossible to coordinate? You can't really match just any old green with any other random shade of green, Dad.

So, I had an idea in my mind that I was probably going to end up getting him a sweater. Extra large, he said. Blue or green. That seemed simple enough.

Then I was wandering around, and I saw a DVD I was pretty sure he didn't already have. (Ana's gift giving suggestion corner: The first year after someone makes the transition from VHS to DVD kicks ass. All those movies that you're pretty sure the person already owns are good gifts anyway, because it's a new format. Three cheers for the rising tide of consumer technology!) I was in some sort shopping frenzy, and I bought the DVD without realizing that it cut into the amount of money I had planned on spending on him. I could no longer afford to look for a really nice sweater.

So, I went looking for a midrange sweater, extra large, in blue or green. I found many mint sweaters. I saw several sage sweaters. But I wanted green. Normal, dark green. (He would never admit it, but Green Bay green is the exact color he likes. I knew that if I showed up with any gift with a Packer logo, I'd be thrown out of the house.) Also, there were a lot of things that I suppose were technically sweaters, but looked like knitted shirts. You could never wear a shirt under them. Sweaters are not supposed to have collars. Even a v-neck is pushing it.

All I wanted was a basic sweater. Soft. Thick. None of this fancy collar nonsense. Blue or green. Extra large.

K-mart actually had the most variety of sweaters. Numerous shades of blue and green. Dozens of different styles. I found exactly what I had in mind, bought it, and was in the parking lot before I realized I had just bought my dad a Christmas gift at K-mart. I felt dirty.

In terms of social status, K-mart is the bottom of the food chain, even if they do own Martha Stewart's soul now. Or, maybe the Martha Stewart endorsement is one of the reasons I don't like K-mart. Gaah! Martha Stewart might have been the one who decided my dad's sweater was K-mart quality! Now I really feel dirty.

Oh, and to make my sweater buying experience completely perfect, I called my dad two days later. I knew my mom would love one of those fleece shirts that are everywhere, but I wasn't sure of the size. He told me her size, then he said "Oh, and by the way, I'm a 2X, if you're still looking for something for me."

But...but...but...I went through so much to find an extra large! You said extra large, goddammit! Grr. And, I can't even exchange it at the Cowtown K-mart. The sweaters there all suck. See, I was there with Lynne, and she had pointed out a very specific pair of flannel pajamas. Two days later, they were gone. I had driven to Zenith, hoping their K-mart might still have size medium blue jammies with polar bears. Zenith has a Big K-mart. That's what it's called. Apparently, it just like a K-mart, but with a mens' sweater department that's fifty times larger.

So, I have two gifts for my dad, and neither one of them is particularly expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Spirit of Christmas says it's not about dollar amounts. I should have been able to buy the $20 DVD, and consider myself lucky that I had found a gift that my dad would like so cheaply.

But I just can't do that. The problem only gets worse, because I end up doing the same thing for everyone on my list. Lynne is getting four presents from me, and she still technically has 5-10 bucks worth of love I could spend.

It's her own damn fault. All the stuff she wanted was really cheap. We were in MediaPlay, and she said, "Oh, by the way, they never ever have it in stock, but they used to have a "Fear and Loathing" poster--oh no! Today it's here, and I can't buy it!" Naturally, I said, "Wow! D. really liked that movie too. I think I'll get one for him." and proceeded to buy her a Christmas present right in front of her. I love doing that. I always feel so subtle. She probably knew exactly what I was doing, but she pretended she believed me.

The point is, the poster cost five bucks. That's simply not acceptable. Then, she mentioned odd-colored nail polish. I found some really funky blue stuff, with bits of star-shaped glitter. Again, five bucks. These aren't gifts. They're stocking stuffers. The K-mart jammies are only slightly better, but maybe acceptable because she asked for them so specifically.

Basically, I think I'm trying to think about this too many ways at once. On the one hand, Lynne gets four gifts, and Dad only gets two. On the other hand, I've technically spent more on Dad, and got him a slightly higher quality of stuff. But if I spend any more on Lynne, it's just going to be completely out of control. And don't even get me started on Mom. She's going to end up with three things, but one of them is a birthday present. And I still should probably spend a little more on her.

I really don't shop well at all.

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