A guy walks into a bar. He breaks his nose. Bada bing! Thank you, thank you. Please remember to tip your server.

Tips! what is the deal with tips? (ooh, yeah. I got a subject and now I is rolling...) I'm a waitress and I've actually got quite a bit to say about tips.

I don't care how much your bill came to. Less than one dollar per person is simply not acceptable. However, unless your bill is less than 10 bucks, a dollar a person probably isn't enough. Fifteen percent. I'll say it again. Fifteen percent. I've been told that in real cities the standard is usually closer to 20%, but I know I live in the middle of nowhere, so I'm perfectly willing to accept 15. If you're a pain in the butt, make it 20.

How to tell if you are a pain in the butt:

1) Did you ask me to substitute a whole bunch of crap? "I'll have your BBQ Chicken sandwich, but no BBQ, no bacon, and cheddar cheese instead of swiss. Also, I'd like lettuce, mayo, and just a little raw onion on that. Can I get a salad instead of fries? French and Bleu Cheese dreesing, on the side, no croutons, and extra tomatoes."

2) Were you consuming your beverages at an alarming rate? One refill is understandable. Two, maybe. If I've brought you six glasses of pepsi in the last 20 minutes, you are drinking too damn much. Take a step back, buddy.

2A) Were you drinking coffee at an alarming rate? Were you the only one at the table drinking decaf, while everyone else was drinking regular, forcing me to grab not one, but both damn pots every time I left the kitchen?

3) Did you cause me to make a lot of unnecessary trips? ("Can I get you anything to drink Ma'am?" "Yes, I'll have a vodka tonic." "How about you, Sir?" "Um, no, I'm OK." *Ana goes and gets the vodka tonic. She delivers it with a smile.* "I've changed my mind. Bring me a perfect brandy manhattan, straight up but with a little ice on the side, one cherry and one mushroom. Make it Korbel.")

4) Did you ignore me while I was listing the nightly specials, the soups of the day, the salad dressing choices and/or the choices of potato for the person sitting next to you? Will you ask me the same question that the other four people at the table have already asked?

5) Did you come in less than 20 minutes before closing time?

6) Did you stay for more than one cup of coffee and/or cigarette after you were done eating?

7) Did you ask me to describe the specials (twice) when you knew damn well that all you wanted was a hamburger?

8) Did you assume I was an idiot? "I want no onions on my sandwich. No onions. " "Gotcha. No onions." "There had better not be any onions on it. I won't eat it if you put onions on it." "Right. No onions." "I'm allergic to onions, you know. I don't want any onions." "Ma'am, I've underlined 'no onions.' I will make sure the cooks know you don't want onions." "Last time, she brought me a sandwich, and it had onions. I can't eat onions." "If you'd like Ma'am, I can ask the cooks to tie up all the onions in the building and lock them in a closet while they are preparing your sandwich, just to make absolutely sure no onions end up within 10 feet of your meal." I never actually get that rude, but someday, I will snap. Oh, yes I will. (This dialogue is even more amusing when the sandwich in question doesn't have onions on it in the first place.)

9) Were you lying to me when you said you wanted your steak done medium rare? See above note about causing me to make unnecessary trips. Please. On behalf of waitstaff everywhere, I'm begging you. Learn what the fuck a medium steak looks like, and make your temperature selection accordingly. Medium rare is not quite as well done as that, and medium well is a little more well done. And by the way, prime rib usually comes out looking a little more pinkish than an equivalently cooked grilled steak. For the love of God, take that into consideration when ordering.

10) Were you at all pissy during our time together? Did you ever raise your voice to me, when your problem was clearly out of my control? Do you make funny noises while chewing?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, you were a Bad Diner. Give your server a little extra. She deserves it.

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