Yesterday he was going to Wej's place for Changeling, so he loaded up the car with all his clothes. We hugged in the driveway, and I tried very hard not to cry. He kissed me, and drove away.

That sounds so dramatic. He'll be here all the time, if for no other reason than that the PlayStation is still here. But when he was over to visit last night, I really wanted a hug, and it felt too strange to ask.

Rijid and I talked a bit last night, and he said he'd even be willing to pay to overdue part of the cable bill, because we simply must have internet. I'll pay him back as soon as the tax returns get here.

Rijid said out of everyone, I seem to be handling this best. That's probably because he's never been here late at night, or first thing in the morning when I play Freecell for hours on end with tears running down my face.

I just keep telling myself that this is the sort of thing that causes some people to break down entirely. Nine years, yo. That is a marriage in every sense but legally. When I was in high school, our next door neighbor spent six months in and out of the local psychiatric ward when his wife moved out. Comparitively, obessive solitaire is nothing. So far, at least, I'm doing OK.

And then Red Dwarf dialogue starts running through my head.

"I don't love you, Dave. I never loved you. So I guess there's not much point in you taking the chef's exam, is there?"

"Well, no. There's not much point in me breathing in and out, if you must know..."

***

I'm toying with the idea of applying at Quad Graphics. CJ says it's easy work and he makes a pile of money. I need a pile of money right now. But I've come this far without taking a job I needed over a job that I liked. It just feels like too much like selling out to give up now. Besides, I know that bills expand to meet the available income. I wouldn't be debt-free in a year, I'd just be in entirely new kinds of debt.

Overall, I like my work. I can handle the restaurant, and BookWorld is just too cool to give up . Patti was trying to convince me to apply for the manager position opening up in Watertown. She said I could get it, no problem, because the Grand High Poobahs are overall very impressed that I decided to stay with The Company. I find that hard to believe. I was an insignificant cog in FDL, and now I'm an insignificant cog here. Besides, I don't even know where Watertown is. Even in the unlikely event of me getting a car anytime soon, I don't want more than a 1/2 hour commute.

Quad does require a piss test. So, I'm spending a month drugfree, and figuring out if financially this really is something I need to do. That's right. The worst month of my life, and I'm spending it stone cold sober. I must be insane.

***

This entry is going all over the place today. Sorry about that. I'm having a difficult week.

***

I really can't do the car payments. D. says he can, and he needs a car more than I do right now. I'm getting almost everything else, and really, it was mostly his paycheck that's paid for it this far. This all sounds good, but the car is in my name. I have to trust him to actually send them $200 every month. He sucks with money. I don't think I can just tell Ford that no no no, this other guy who's not on any of the paperwork is actually supposed to be sending you money, so why don't you call him.

Maybe I'll tell him that if I get even one phonecall from Ford, I'm taking the car back and trading it in on something that's paid for. We've spent $5000 on this damn car. That ought to be good for a tradein on something, right? I'm not sure if Ford would do that or not. If they won't, then I don't know what to do. Maybe it won't even come up. Really, I have more than enough actual problems right now. I don't need to start stressing about stuff that might happen in a few months.

***

Played some Freecell. I am now a mere 105 games away from a 50% lifetime average. Woot!

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