Today I get to call to find out if I can get the car. My credit history is probably just plain scary. I walked away from a lot of bills when we left Milwaukee. I keep saying that someday, I'll get the copy of my credit report, and mail the 20-50 bucks to everyone who put the little black mark by my name. I could probably clear my name entirely for $200. It's quite foolish that I've never gotten around to doing it.

On the other hand, I've been reasonably up to date with my student loans for about a year. I've had an actual credit card for about 3 months, and I've been throwing money at it like a mofo. (I mailed them $75 last month, towards a $200 balance, when I could have just sent $10) Yesterday, I found out that I'm pre-appproved for another card. Obviously, I'm doing something right. Two years ago, people laughed when I applied for credit cards.

I hope they look more closely at my recent credit history than at all of it. Yeah, I screwed up, but I was young and foolish then ("I feel old and foolish now"--TMBG). Lots of people have worse credit than I do. Maybe I'll get bonus points for being a basically decent human being. That's gotta count for something, right?

All I ask is that they let me have the car with a co-signer. Grandma said she'd cosign. I really need this car. You know at the end of The Blues Brothers when they get out of the car after the whole chase scene? The car completely self-destructs. It just collapses into a pile of scrap metal right there on the curb. I seriously think my car is about to do that. In the past week, it's developed an entirely new repertoire of scary noises. Something is squeaking. Something is whining. Something is rattling. Something is squealing. There's one noise I can't even identify. It sounds like kinda like a running faucet. I am frightened for my life every time I get into my car. Two different teams of mechanics have told me that I should not be out on the road with it. It has no brakes. The engine is prone to stalling if I slow down before the car is completely warmed up. (But ah, the new car. I pulled up to an intersection, and heard no noise at all. Out of habit, I reached to cut the ignition and restart. Arthur had to tell me it was just a quiet car.) It has no dashboard lights. (That's not actually a safety issue. I have a little flashlight duct taped to the dash.) The headlights are out of alignment. There's no windshield wiper lever. (Again, not really a safety issue. I can reach my finger into the little hole where the lever used to be, and operate my wipers that way.) In short, I drive a shitmobile. Someone at work offered to buy it from me for $100. I really think that's the best deal I could hope to get.

It's 8:20. I wonder if they're open yet. I just want to know. I've looked at my finances, and I know I could afford about twice the payments they want. I also know that I'm a good citizen (well, now I am, anyway) and pay my bills no more than a week late. I know that without a car, I can't get to work, and I can't get D. to work. I know that car payments would move right to the top of my priority list of bills that MUST be paid each month. I would give me this car.

On the other hand, I know that D. exists, and has a job, and that our joint income is actually about $1000/month more than I claimed on the application. I asked if I could include D., but the guy said since he was technically a "roommate" and not a legal spouse, I couldn't count his income as part of my own. That sucks. It's things like this that make me wonder if I shouldn't just marry him. But, oh would I regret that in a couple years. ("I did what? I married someone I wasn't sure I really loved just so I could get a car loan?? Oh, lordy lordy lordy. Wait till the Biographers find out about this...")

I'm gonig crazy. Wednesday, when I filled out the app, they said they'd either call that night, or the following morning. I deliberately stayed offline till 7 Weds, and again till I went to work at 10 yesterday. When I finally got home, D. said they'd called around 5, and I should call them back to find out. It was then 9pm (gotta love double shifts...)I spent all last night stressing. They wouldn't have told him "no" but they might have told him "yes. Tell her to call us for details" They didn't tell him anything, so I must not have gotten it. But they don't even know he exists. Maybe I did get it, but they just didn't know he had as much right to know as I do. Aw, who am I trying to kid? I'm not going to get it. I wonder what the procedure for selling a kidney is...etc. etc. etc.

8:55. Ten more minutes, then I'll call. I don't know if I'll make it. But thinking about it like this is only making me feel worse. I'm going to stop writing now. I'll smoke a cigarette, then I'll call.

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