Do you hear what I hear?|
Christmas music sucks. We all know this. The tunes are repetitive and banal, and the lyrics are completely disconnected from reality. The only people "Dreaming of a White Christmas" have never had to drive in one. Someone pointed out recently that "Jingle Bell Rock" is possibly the least rocking-est song, ever.
So why do we have to be subjected to the same damn songs, every single year? I've been working on a few theories, because, really, thinking about Xmas music is better than listening to it. This year, The Horror started for me the week of Thanksgiving (Seriously. Not even "the Friday after." We're talking Sunday.) so I've had a lot of time to desperately try to not listen to Xmas music. This is what I've come up with:
It may be an age thing. Most kids enjoy carols. Most grownups do not. If you're over about 12, and you still enjoy "Deck the Halls" completely unironically, there is probably something wrong with you.
For many people, Christmas is the first time your little heart gets broken. Everyone has experienced the soul-crushing disappointment of not finding That One Gift under the tree. Or, maybe it was the day you found out Santa was really "the spirit of giving" or some crap like that. Think back. Was "Silver Bells" playing softly in the background? And don't you fucking HATE that song now?
Ah, but why then do they keep playing it? Advertising executives were, presumably, children once too. They must have had their alleged hearts broken, just like everyone else. (Random quote that's in my brain now: "He has the heart of a small child. He keeps it in a jar on his desk.") So WHY do all the stores play Christmas music? I am not an advertising executive, but I would assume it's bad business sense to make the people with the money angry.
Maybe They are counting on that anger. Maybe the Christmas music triggers a subliminal need to BUY BUY BUY, so that the people you love won't feel the way you once felt. Or, maybe we all secretly believe that if you just spend enough money, the music will stop.
Of course, I am particularly biased against Christmas music, because I work in retail. A month of "Frosty the Snowman" for eight hours a day, every day is enough to destroy anyone's Christmas spirit, as well as their will to live. Maybe only people in retail truly hate the Xmas music. However, since basically everyone I talk to has worked at least one Christmas in retail/customer service at some point, I don't have anyone I can even ask about this.
Somewhere in America, there must be people who haven't had Christmas music ruined forever. There must be hundreds of them, or at least dozens. It's the only logical explanation. I wonder what it's like.