"Love Song of the Lurker"|
2006-08-02 10:39 a.m.
I found a new message board about a month ago. Most of the regulars seem pretty cool, but this one guy, who uses the name "Croesus," is my favorite. Every one of his posts seems funny, but then you read it again, and it speaks to something inside of your soul. Like there was a piece of you missing, and you didn't even realize it, but reading a few sentences from Croesus somehow made it all better.
Even if he's just rewording a joke someone else made a few pages earlier, something about his word choice just gets inside you. No one has ever phrased it quite like that, even though it's clearly the only logical way.
The funny thing is, I don't think any of the other posters realize how amazing Croesus is. He's a genius, and I'm the only one who can see it. He's an accepted part of the community, of course, but sometimes I think they all take him for granted. They don't love him like I do.
Croesus has used a few different avatars. I had to look through about a hundred old threads, but I found them all. A few years ago, my mom gave me a set of silver picture frames, with pictures of my sisters. I threw those photos away, and printed out enlarged copies of my favorite Croesus avatars. They're all sitting in a row on the top of my sideboard. I kiss them all, several times each day.
While I was scanning the thread archives to find all of Croesus' old avatars, I was of course reading every single word he wrote, trying to learn from his teachings. These are the things I know about Croesus: He lives in Michigan. He works in tech support. He has two cats. He likes coffee, and Tarantino movies. He does not have a girlfriend.
I kept a notebook, while I was reading his old posts. The next day, I rented all the movies he had ever mentioned. I brought all the avatars out to the living room, and lined them up on my lap. He was right. Reservoir Dogs is "TEH BEST MOVVIE EVAR." (That's the way He spelled it. "MOVVIE." Isn't that just adorable??) Just like Croesus, I can never hear "Stuck in the Middle With You" the same way again LOL. I like to think of it as "our" song.
Sometimes, late at night, I print out all the threads that Croesus posted in. I carefully cut out his posts. (The others, I just throw away. They're just trying to distract me from Croesus' message, written just for me.) I take all of Croesus' posts, and scatter them on my bed. Then, I undress. Slowly. I like to pretend the scraps of paper are watching me.
I lie on top of Croesus' posts and close my eyes. I imagine myself in his arms. He is whispering all the things he posted that day. I start to moan. When I can't wait any longer, I grab a handful of posts and rub them all over my body. I roll around in my nest of Croesus posts. I'm usually pretty sweaty by this point, so some of the scraps of paper stick to my body.
Last night, I couldn't sleep. Normally, I would have been in bed hours earlier, but I was thinking about Croesus. I decided to check the message board. For the first time, Croesus was logged in at the same time I was. I frantically checked all the subforums, trying to find what he was reading at that exact moment.
I finally found him in a thread called "The Virgin/Whore Dichotomy." He made a lot of very interesting points. My favorite was what he said "LOL I LIK B00BI3Z" three posts in row. I have to admit I didn't get it at first. Did I dare ask him what he meant? Would he tell me I was stupid? Worse, would he just ignore me? I didn't think I could stand his rejection, but I really had to know.
Luckily, another poster, I forget her name, must have been thinking the same thing. She said, "Croesus, what are you talking about." I would have been a little more polite, speaking directly to Croesus like that, but it was still a good question. I could hardly wait to see his response.
He wrote back almost immediately. He said, "HA HA HA UR A GIRL THAT MEAND U HAVE TEH B00BI3Z PIXPLS." I have never loved him more. He sure showed her!
She got really angry. She switched to caps mode, in unconscious imitation of his style. She said, "CROESUS, SHUT UP. WE ARE HAVING A CIVILIZED CONVERSATION HERE. YOU ARE RUINING IT AGAIN JUST LIKE ALWAYS. YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS BOARD." I gasped. How dare she?
Fifteen minutes passed. Croesus wasn't responding. Maybe he was trying to teach her a lesson. By choosing not to engage in her infantile debate, he was showing all of us that he was the better man.
That really wasn't his style, though. Croesus never walked away from a flame war. It was one of the things I loved most about him. So why wasn't he responding?
Maybe she'd really hurt him. Maybe she'd inadvertently touched some raw emotional nerve that none of us even knew about. Maybe he would never post again. Tears welled up in my throat. I was completely numb.
I knew I was overreacting. Of course he'd be back. He was just trying to psyche her out, is all. He was going to keep quiet until she thought she'd won, and then he'd say something truly devastating. Maybe he was typing something right at that exact second.
He was still logged in. I stared at his name, trying to will him to post again. Come on, Croesus. Please.
Another ten minutes passed. I'd never been logged in at the same time as him before. Maybe this was normal. I pulled up a few threads he'd posted in the previous night to check his average time between posts.
I sagged back in my seat as relief swelled up inside me. Last night, he'd posted four times between 11:12 and 11:17 pm, but then he hadn't posted again until 11:38. I laughed at my foolishness. No one could post that much brilliance 24/7. This new insight into his human side made me love him even more. I wondered what he was doing. Was he making a snack? I knew he liked microwaved burritos. I ran to the kitchen, to heat up the burrito I had bought that afternoon. Now we were eating together.
While I waited for him to post again, I cursed myself for never thinking to check the times on his posts before. It was a little later than my normal bedtime, and I had to work early in the morning. It would be worth it, though, if staying up this late every night meant I got to see more of his posts, as he typed them. Maybe I could start napping in the afternoon.
Finally, he was back. He said, "NO YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS BOARD." I could tell he was really pissed off. He'd taken the time to spellcheck.
She wrote, "That doesn't even make sense. SHUT UP, CROESUS"
"NO YOU SHUT UP UR LIKE THE NAZIS I WILL CALL U HITLER FROM NOW ON CUZ UR TEH THREAD NAZI"
Someone else said, "Come on, Croesus. Stop trolling, and let us have our conversation. If you don't have anything to contribute, just go away."
"WHATEVR HITLER. UR TEH TROLL. UR NAZI TROLL HITLERNAZI"
"Just ignore him."
"He just pisses me off, you know?"
"NAZI NAZI NAZI NAZI NAZI"
"SHUT UP CROESUS"
"He's trying to piss you off. Ignore him. He's not worth it."
"I thought this was going to be a good thread, like we used to have, but now it's just another Croesus-fest."
That wasn't fair. Now there were two of them. I knew Croesus could handle it, but I wanted to show my support.
I'd never posted before, but this was clearly the time. Not even daring to breathe, I typed, "NAZI NAZI NAZI."
When I checked the thread again, I almost fainted. Right beneath my first post, Croesus had typed "NAZI NAZI NAZI NAZI." Not only had we simulposted, but we'd written almost exactly the same thing! That proved we were kindred spirits. It was destiny.
I couldn't even wait to see how the thread developed. I printed out a copy of the thread, and stripped off all my clothes. I knew I'd have to do something special with that post. I glued our matching posts to my vibrator, and lay on my bed.
I noticed the moon shining through my bedroom window. I thought about how somewhere in Michigan, Croesus was looking at the same moon. I groaned in anticipation, and turned my vibrator on to the lowest setting.
It was like he was really there. As the physical manifestation of Croesus' sexy prose penetrated every secret corner of my body, I realized I had never been more turned on.