WAR AND PEACE
by Ana Ng

In the last quarter of the twentieth century, at a time when Western civilization was declining too rapidly for comfort and yet too slowly to be very exciting (Robbins 3), it wasn't a dark and stormy night.

It should have been, but that's the weather for you. (Gaiman 4)

"I can offer you no consolation, my friend," said he; "Your disaster is irreparable. (Shelley 71) As your attorney, I advise you to....take a hit out of that little brown bottle in my shaving kit." (Thompson 130)

"I want," I tell him as solemnly as I know how, because I don't want this to be mistaken for irony or any other literary device, "to pee." (Russo 362)

"You are losing my interest...and that is very dangerous. In a moment I will have forgotten you quite entirely and will never be able to remember just what I did with you. What I forget not only ceases to exist but never really existed in the first place." (Beagle 116)

He spoke with a certain what-is-it in his voice, and I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled, so I tactfully changed the subject. (Wodehouse 8)

"Destiny is a funny thing. Once I thought I was destined to become emperor of Greenland, sole monarch over its 52,000 inhabitants. Then I thought I was destined to build a Polynesian longship in my garage. I was wrong then, but I've got it now. (Edlund 3) O, I am fortune's fool! (Shakespeare III, i, 141)"

"Now, that I didn't know. Your past has murkier things in it than I dreamed possible." (Adams, DG 26)

I nod. "Once again, you've failed to cheer me up." (Russo 246)

"Don't mention it," he enjoined me eagerly. "Don't give it another thought, old sport." The familiar expression held no more familiarity than the hand which reassuringly brushed my shoulder. (Fitzgerald 57)

I wished I wasn't so old, so confused, so cross. At least there was whisky. (Fry 260)

"Drink up." He added, perfectly factually, "The world's about to end." (Adams, HH 25)

He threw out this appalling statement so casually that it was a second or two before I got its import. When I did, a powerful shock permeated my system. It was as if I had been reclining in an electric chair and the authorities had turned on the juice. (Wodehouse 179)

I heard a massive boom. I felt the air & earth pulse as if they were living swaying fancies. (Flanagan 380) My rage was without bounds; I sprang on him, impelled by all the feelings which can arm one being against the existence of another.

He easily eluded me, and said, "Be calm! (Shelley 95) I crave nought else but to couple with you in a manner that is liquid, pulpy, doughy and spongy, in accordance with the customs of my people. (Lem 290)" He was totally nonlinear. (Wilson 69)

"Look," I said. "Time for Trudy Truth and her cheerleader chums Connie Candour and Fannie Frankness. (Fry 207) In the dictionary lumpy jaw comes just before lunacy, but in life there are no such clues. Suddenly, for no reason, you might start to dribble from the mouth, to howl peevishly at the moon. You might start quoting your mother out loud, and with conviction. (Moore 63) Who was your mother and what secrets did she whisper in your infant ear? Was she a fish? (Flanagan 33)"

The juxtaposition of these two remarks was startling. (Fitzgerald 73) He looks back up at me, tries to look insouciantly amused. "I never knew you knew."

"I knew. (Moore 203) Don't get too intellectual about it....You might miss the obvious. (Wilson 414)"

He looked a malenky bit poogly (Burgess 5) and hit me straight on, pow, just like a cartoon boxing glove on a spring on Saturday morning cartoons. (Palahniuk 53) Maybe he didn't do it maliciously. Maybe it's just his way of showing high spirits. (Parker 101) The good news is he seems content to study my ruined nose and grin at me....

"Does it hurt?" he wants to know.

"Sure does, Paul," I assure him, anxious to please.

He nods knowingly. "Good. I'm glad. (Russo 10) As they say in my country, have a nice day. (Robbins 205)"

He put his hands in his coat pockets and turned...as though my presence marred the sacredness of his vigil. So I walked away and left him standing there in the moonlight--watching over nothing. (Fitzgerald 153)
***
WORKS CITED

Adams, Douglas. Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. New York: Pocket Books, 1988.

---. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. New York: Pocket Books, 1985.

Beagle, Peter S. The Last Unicorn. New York: ROC Penguin Books, 1991.

Burgess, Anthony. A Clockwork Orange. New York: W.W. Norton and Co., 1986.

Edlund, Ben, et al. The Tick: The Naked City. New York: Marlowe and Co., 1996.

Gaiman, Neil and Terry Pratchett. Good Omens. New York: Ace Books, 1996.

Fitzgerald, F. Scott. The Great Gatsby. New York: Scribner, 1995.

Flanagan, Richard. Gould's Book of Fish. New York: Grove Press, 2001.

Fry, Stephen. The Hippopotamus. New York: Random House, 1994.

Lem, Stanislaw. "Prince Ferrix and the Princess Crystal." The Cyberiad. San Diego: Harvest, 1985.

Moore, Lorrie. Anagrams: A Novel. New York: Penguin, 1986.

Palahniuk, Chuck. Fight Club. New York: Owl Books, 1997.

Parker, Dorothy. "The Waltz." After Such Pleasures. New York: Viking Press, 1936.

Robbins, Tom. Still Life With Woodpecker. New York: Bantam, 1981.

Russo, Richard. Straight Man. New York: Vintage Books, 1998.

Shakespeare, William. Romeo and Juliet. The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. Philadelphia: Running Press, 1989

Shelley, Mary. Frankenstein. New York: Penguin Books, 1983.

Thompson, Hunter S. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. New York: Vintage Books, 1998.

Wilson, Robert Anton. Schrodinger's Cat Trilogy. New York: Dell, 1988.

Wodehouse, P.G. The Code of the Woosters. New York: Vintage, 1975.


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