I hate Hallmark
2004-06-19 8:31 p.m.
I had to buy a Father's Day card today. I hate that."Dad, remember how I used to borrow the car?" Uh, not really. My parents had no car until my senior year of high school. I learned to drive in it, but then didn't drive again for almost ten years. I don't think I ever borrowed my parents' car, at least not for unsupervised hijinks. I was 25 when I finally had that weird "Wow, I'm in a car ALONE" moment that everyone else gets a few weeks after 16. "Dad, you showed me how to fix stuff." Actually, no. From both my parents, I learned that the most helpful thing you can do for another person undertaking a complicated household chore is to gather up any small children running around, and leave the house for a few hours. "Diane, get these damn kids out of here!" It's a wonder I can even change a lightbulb, really. "Dad, why don't you go ahead and watch TV all day today, you know, just like every other Sunday, har har har." My parents don't even have cable, yo. They've never been "TV People." "Dad, you fart sometimes!" Well, ok, yeah. But there must be a better card here somewhere... "Dearest Father, you are a joy to all who know you. Your strength in God gives me strength...." No, no, no, no, NO. On so many levels, NO. Where was that fart card, again? "Remember the football games?" Nope. "Remember the fishing trips?" Umm....nope. "Remember the corny "Dad" things you used to always say?" I don't remember any of this. Was I perhaps raised in another dimension from the rest of America, by parents who weren't even slightly sterotypical? Is there something wrong with me, that I don't find these stupid-ass cards relevant? Then, staring at all these entirely WRONG cards, my head starts to swim, and I think about The Plan again. I will start doing it someday. At some point in the future, I will just say screw it, and start buying people random cards, no matter what the occasion. "Happy 80th Birthday, Grandma!" for weddings! "Congratulations on your new house, from the goldfish!" for my sister's birthday! "Dad, you fart sometimes!" for absolutely everything else! Wheeee! Think of the time I'll save! Think of the bold statement I'll be making! I don't need to play by YOUR rules anymore, Little Miss Hallmark! Booyah! Explaining why I bought such an odd card will be a little awkward, for the first few years. "Yes, I realize you are not in fact 80 years old, or my grandmother. Yes, it is the same card I gave your roommate last month. I'm making a statement, you see. It's kind of Meta, really, but trust me, it's hilarious." Then, though, I'll be FREE. Never again will I be forced to wade through a hundred cards, desperately looking for one that doesn't totally suck. Everyone will know it's just this thing I do. I'll be able to just find something with a kitty on it, or a card that comes in the prettiest green envelope, and get on with my life. I really do love that plan. I will do it someday. Oh yes. Someday I will snap, and buy a few hundred "ELMO SAYS MERRY CHRISTMAS!" cards and use them for every single card occasion until I run out. If I know you, I'll find a reason to give you one. Consider this entry your warning.
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