A) That's a totally arbitrary figure, representing the bare minimum I think I'd need to make it alone.

1)(No, of course there's nothing wrong. Jared is great, Jared is amazing, Jared is everything. But it scared the hell out of me once to realize I couldn't live on just my income, and I don't ever want to do that again.)

2) Is $10 even a reasonable figure? I've lived on tips for so long, I can't even begin to translate The Money I Need into weekly paycheck terms.

B) I can't make that at just any job.

1) It seems I can only make that at stuff I'm not qualified for.

a)I have about seven years of food service and two years of retail under my belt, but I have no management experience.

b)Some offices pay $10/hour, but I have no office experience either.

c)I have a degree, but I am not an architect, a welder, or a nurse.

d)Damn damn damn.

A)I've explained so many times that yes, an hour and a half commute is crazy talk, but I don't have any other options right now.

B)It's something I am willing to do, Sir and/or Ma'am, just until I get an apartment, because I want this job of yours that badly.

1)Oooh, the Apartment Hunt. Maybe that should be a whole new category.

III) The Apartment Hunt

A)This is a very specific apartment.

1)It needs to allow smoking.

2)It needs to allow a cat, with claws.

3)It needs to be about $500/month (see IA)

B)I can't even begin to start looking for it until I find a job.

1)Damn damn damn.

2)Aaaaargh.

3)See what I mean? Best to just put that out of my mind entirely till I get The Job Issue straightened out.

IV)I'd really prefer to keep my soul.

A)A woman called today to discuss my application. She wanted me to sell cars. She wanted me to be really excited about the opportunity to outsell all my fellow car salespeople by any means necessary, and to honestly enjoy a 50-hour workweek on commission. I knew when I filled out the application that this was what she wanted, but realizing that I had somehow gone through with the application anyway made me break out in a cold sweat. What the hell was I thinking? This is not my beautiful life.

B)Wait a minute. Let's be honest.

1)I don't particularly want to manage a restaurant. I've had enough of restaurants.

2)I'm not that into retail, unless it's a product I personally enjoy.

3)I could be a secretary, but it would be more because it would look good on a resume than because of any deep philosophical need to take messages and photocopy stuff.

4)THEREFORE, doing any of these things would also involve selling my soul.

a)Not as much of my soul as selling cars, though. It's not even really selling my soul. Just sort of tarnishing it a little, in pursuit of the greater good. Besides, it's not like I'm really using my soul for anything....

b)I don't even know you anymore.

c)Shut up!

d)No, YOU shut up!

e)No, YOU shut up!

f)Both of you shut up. This entry started out as such a nice logical exercise, all itemized and everything, and now you're just being silly.

g)Sorry.

h)Yeah, me too.

V)OK, then. Where are the jobs I really want?

A)"Bookish freak needed for bridge lessons and conversations about Neil Gaiman's Sandman. Ability to quote Red Dwarf and make garlic bread a plus."

1)Whoever has this job is probably really happy. He's not leaving. I'll have to kill him, then take his job.

2)Please try to be serious.

B)I'm probably not going to get a job I want. I have to, yes, sell my soul, and find a job I need.

VI)And who the hell put all these aliens in charge of the places I need my life to be?

A)The car place was "Management Trainee." If I could do it for even a year, I'd have the skillz to manage any place I wanted. I can't, though. I just can't sell cars for a living.

B)In another interview, I said I worked in a bookstore. I spoke eloquently about science fiction, and David Sedaris. She said she mostly reads fashion magazines. I think it was at that point that we both knew the interview was over.

C)If I could just have one normal conversation in an interview, instead of being forced to grovel before people I would normally run away from screaming, maybe I could get hired.

1)Maybe being one of Those People is an intrinsic part of getting That Job.

a)Damn damn damn.

b)I am so screwed.

c)Now I'm all depressed.

d)Damn you, Brain!

e)Screw this. Let's go make a sandwich.

f)Ok, yeah.

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