Now, staying up till 5am is of course totally different. I'll even concede that some people have jobs that mean they have to be awake at 5am. My issue is with the people who for reasons best known only to themselves, are showered, perky, and ready for a new day hours before anyone civilized has even hit the snooze button a few times.

What exactly do you hope to accomplish, freaky morning man? No businesses are open. You can't go to the bank, or get your car washed, or buy shoes. You can't even really see anything, till the sun comes up.

But tomorrow at 4:59, there will be a dozen or so retired guys clamoring outside of Kristina's, impatiently waiting for me to open the door so they can come in and start drinking coffee.

That's so confusing. None of the coffee guys ever want food, even. Maybe one or two orders of toast, for the whole crew. As far as I can tell, it's a social thing. In other words, the only reason they're all there is because all their friends are.

And I have to be there so it can happen. If you must be a morning person, couldn't you at least have the decency to carry out your depraved lifestyle somewhere where I don't have to deal with it?

No, wait. I suppose they are regular customers. If they want to be strange and come in every single day, just for overpriced coffee and toast, that is their right as Americans.

But WHY in the name of all that is holy, does this have to happen at FIVE AM?? Again, these are all retired people. If I was retired, the very first thing I'd do is rearrange my social calendar so I didn't have to be anywhere at 5 in the morning.

Now wait a minute. I'm just assuming the coffee guys are up for no good reason at all. Maybe there are all sorts of magical and exciting things going down that I don't even know about, because I'm always asleep. Maybe there's, like, no gravity for an hour every day at 5am. Or parades of dancing monkeys! I'd totally get up early, if it meant I got to see dancing monkeys.

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