Of course, different people maintain online journals and blogs for different reasons. For some people, it's just a way of keeping in touch with longdistance friends. For those people, "I worked today, etc." is a valid entry. It takes five minutes to read it, and then you get on with your life.

But, that's not exactly what I'm doing anymore. What I'm doing right now is talking to myself. A lot. Someday, I'll get to share it with all of you, but I can't help feeling that when I finally get to post all these, they're going to have to be something a little bit more. No one, no matter how much they love me, is going to want to sit down and read "I worked today, etc." 500 times. So, I'm stuck. I never really liked the entries where I didn't have anything to say, and now that I'm forced to confront exactly how masturbatory the whole online journal process is, I like them even less. I'm an exhibitionist without an audience. Shouting from the rooftops of the world really is just ridiculous if no one is listening.

So. I think what I'm trying to say is, for me, the point of writing is to communicate. It needs to be new. Someone needs to be listening. I'm not sure which of those is more important, but lately, I don't feel like I'm doing either one.

***

Andy died a year ago last Saturday. I knew it was getting close, but I didn't know the exact date. Sunday, Josh said something, and the whole week has been overshadowed by it. Not really anything major until the weekend, just random thoughts about all the stuff that's become part of my life in the last year that he doesn't know anything about. I work in a bookstore now, Andy. I saw a lot of amazing movies and read a stack of books as tall as I am that I'd love to tell you about. And oh my god, do I wish you could have been part of the LARP. You would have become just as obsessed as the rest of us, and loved every single minute of it.

Strange confession time: When I first started the LARP, there was a character named Andy. I had a totally irrational hatred of the guy who played him, even before I met him. I heard from everyone else that there was a Brujah named Andy running around and it freaked me out. How dare he try to be my dead friend. What kind of a sick fuck are you, anyway? Don't you know what this is doing to me? Oh, wait. I guess you don't. The character was named before the player knew any of us, or even before our Andy got really sick. Once I realized how completely insane I was being, I got over it. I was glad when the character died, though. Nothing personal. I just didn't like having to think about somone pretending to be Andy right where I had to deal with it.

Ken had an interesting theory about Andy. Starting at the wake, it's become a tradition to do a shot of Rumpleminze for Andy. It was his favorite shot, so whenever Taus and alcohol gather together, and Andy's name is mentioned, a round of Rumpleminze shots inevitably follows. Not everyone likes the Rumpleminze. Apparently, Rijid and BT and I are the only ones who don't find the stuff completely vile. Ken's theory is that Andy never really liked Rumpleminze either. Somewhere, he's laughing his ass off at all of us being obligated to drink this hellshot in his name all the time. As soon as he heard Ken's theory, D. was all over it. See, D. pukes every single time he does the Andy shot. He takes the shot, then he immediately goes to the bathroom and pukes. Then he comes out swearing. "That asshole! Fucking Rumpleminze! When I die, I'm gonna find him, and I'm gonna kick his fucking ass for doing this to me!" But it would never even occur to him to just pass on the Rumpleminze shot. If the need for an Andy shot arises, D. will always take it. This is maybe the most important thing you can know about D.

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