He didn't undress, I did.
2003-02-04 7:15 p.m.
It's 630 am. D and I have been lying in bed crying together for the last four hours. All day long, I knew something was bothering him. This morning, he wasn't doing anything but sitting at the computer playing mp3s for two hours. I tried hugging him, and got no response. I went to work, I did laundry. Tonight (last night?) we watched a movie. I invited him to come sit by me on the comfy couch, but he didn't move. We read for a while, on separate couches, and then we went to bed. He didn't undress, I did.We lay in the dark for while, and then he said it's best if we just end the relationship, before he does me any more damage. I insisted several times that I loved him, and I never felt like he was holding me back. He said he was tired of being a sponge, and I deserved someone better. I said I didn't want anyone else, and all the screwups we've had over the years, I've been partially responsible too. But I'm the one with the degree, he said. But it's been a lot of good times, I said. But yeah, that's the problem, he said. I could have so much more than just good times, and did I really still want to be doing this in 40 years? Well, would it be different if he had a job? No, because this is something he's been thinking about for a lot longer, it's just been on his mind even more lately. But I love you, I need you, who else will keep me sane? Well, maybe without him around, I won't be so insane and moody and prone to random crying jags. I love you more than anything, and you'll always be my best friend, but I need to do this, for both of us. As soon as he gets a job, he'll start looking for a new apartment. That means I'll have to look for another apartment too. Although I can barely pay the rent here on my wages, I haven't paid any other bills in two months. As a temporary thing, it was stressful. As the rest of my life, it's insane. I love this apartment. Yeah, it's drafty and not in the best shape, but after almost three years here, it felt like home. I hate moving. And don't even get me started on how we're supposed to split up nine years of communal stuff. 90% of the apartment is stuff we bought together. You could argue that most of the technology was bought under his urging, while I was more inclined to obtain furniture and dishes and stuff. That seems like an easy division, but neither one of us will have much of a life. Maybe it's not even particularly fair. I don't even know. He kept saying how sorry he was. I didn't know if he meant he was sorry for the last nine years, or sorry for making me cry right now. I didn't want to ask. Nine years. I didn't tell him that in just three days it would have been our anniversary. I also didn't tell him the part about how yeah, I have no career, no family, but the one thing I had that I thought I was doing right was, I had him. The one person you can live with forever, in sickness and in health and etc. A lot of people don't even get that far. But we did. Or, maybe not. I was 19 when we started dating. I've never actually lived totally on my own. Maybe I'm supposed to be looking forward to this. Finally, a chance to prove that I really can be independent. I'm so scared, though. And lonely. He's still right in my bed, but I miss him already.
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