The library will turn into Rijid's bedroom. It's not an ideal situation, but I think it's as close as I can reasonably expect. I don't have to come up with a pile of money, I don't have to pack, and I don't have to worry about finding a George-friendly apartment. Besides, I think Rijid and I can be roomates without too much stress. A lot of furniture is either going with D or to the thrift store, so there is in fact space to give Rijid a bedroom of his very own, but I really liked having a library. A whole room, for all my books to live in. Someday, I'll have one again, but it simply can not be done right now.

D. said he'd even give me money for a while, because he was unemployed for so long. That will help. In the big picture, the only thing I'm really worried about is the car payment. There's only about 18 months of payments. If I throw money like mad at it for while, it will be even less. Somehow, I'll get through this.

Is it too much if I start singing "I will survive" right now? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Seriously, though, I'm much much better than I was a week ago. Tuesday, D. asked me where he should put his dirty laundry, and I started bawling. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm even almost handling the Conversations now. For like four nights in a row, D and I had to have these long drawn out conversations about more or less everything. We were comfortable, but that's not the same thing as happy. We were close friends before we dated, so we were willing to overlook the parts that didn't quite fit, because it was a habit. But separately, we could both be so much more. Part of why it's so hard is I know he's right. We haven't talked about any of this in years, and we haven't even really talked about anything in far too long.

I'm not going to have to wash every towel I own, every single week. No one will eat all the ingredients before I can turn them into food. I can even cook with vegetables, if I want to. I made $80 on Saturday, and I didn't have to spend any of it on him. But I don't have anyone to hold on to at night. Does that balance out? I'm really not sure.

My friends are on the whole pretty amazing. I have played bridge every single night this week. There's been TMBG in the CD player continuously. My friends are not subtle people. LET'S MAKE ANA HAPPY!!! But they mean well, and I really do appreciate it.

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