(This happens a lot, actually. OK, I'm the new kid, and probably wrong, but I'm pretty sure Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas shouldn't be in "Current Events." Autobiography. Possibly Classics. It was written 30 years ago, yo. That's not current. And Terry Pratchett in with the mysteries? The ones about the City Watch can stay there, maybe, but Pyramids?? I don't get it. But I digress)

The point is, if I happen to be in a bookstore, asking me if the bookstore carries a specific title makes a certain amount of sense. If I am randomly wandering the streets of an entirely different city, it makes a little less sense.

The scary thing is, Mary could answer these questions anywhere, at any time. I really believe she knows every single title she carries, and could find it with her eyes closed. I understand that she's the one who orders all the books, and she's worked there more or less 24/7 for the last three years. She should know the store inside and out. But it still makes me feel a little stupid.

Customer: Do you have Michael J. Fox's book?

Me: I don't know. But I can find out. Let me check the computer...oh, an autobiography. That's easy. Right on the end of this aisle...hmm.

Mary: What are you looking for?

Me: Michael J. Fox.

Mary: That's a newer book, and it's a bestseller. Right on the display behind you.

Oh. Of course it is. Repeat 10-15 times each night. I'm sure eventually I'll get a better grasp of how the store works, but for now, I'm spending a lot of time feeling incompetent.

***

And then there's the "Have you read this?" No. Chances are I haven't. So far in my life, I have deliberately avoided all contemporary blockbuster authors. I haven't read Grisham. I haven't read Clancy. I went through a Stephen King phase in high school, but I'm feeling much better now. I haven't read Nicholas Sparks, and I sure as hell haven't read the "Left Behind" books. (Those thing scare the hell out me. How many books can you possibly write about Judgement Day? Several thousand, apparently. There's the main series, and also "Left Behind for Teens." It's only a matter of time before I find "Left Behind" pop-up books.)

See, I read a lot, but because I'm a horrible elitist book snob, it's apparently all the wrong stuff for someone who works in a bookstore. I simply won't read anyone who has more than three books selling at one time, or who I suspect to be a bestseller. I'm not entirely sure when I developed this bizarre prejudice, but it's pretty firmly seared into my brain now. I don't wanna read what everyone else reads. I want to find the quirky, the slightly unclassifiable, the underground sensations. It's actually a fairly hit or miss way of finding new authors. A lot of people aren't bestesellers, well, because their book isn't really that good. But when I do happen to stumble across something amazing, I feel doubly clever. Tim Powers. Katherine Dunn. Connie Willis. Christopher Moore. William Browning Spencer. Tom Robbins, fer chrissakes!

I think I got distracted a little there. What the hell was I talking about? Ah, yes. I haven't read that. I read something else, instead. But since this is the one that I'm supposed to know all about, because right at this moment I'm trying to sell it to you, I end up feeling like an idiot.

Maybe what it comes down to is I don't particularly want to work at a mainstream bookstore. I like the job, I really do. But someday, I want to work at my bookstore.

Do I have the newest Louis Lamour? No, I most certainly do not! Ha ha ha! Get the fuck outta my store!

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