Have you seen these?
A Year in Books - 2009-12-27
Skip Tracer, Loan Detective - 2009-11-22
New Job - 2009-11-03
The coleslaw got served. - 2009-10-21
Probably a new job. But maybe not. - 2009-10-08

I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground.
2001-04-23 7:48 a.m.

So, yeah. Lotta stuff on my mind. Some of it, I think I can even share with you.

Arthur called me yesterday. As we talked, I could hear Christine in the background, saying she thought I was dead. Whups. I tried to explain that it really isn't just them. I suck at keeping track of everyone. If you're not close enough for me to see you in person a few times a week, I'm probably going to lose track of you. I am a bad long-distance friend. It's horrible. I'm horrible. Even now, I want to add, "but it's not my fault" but I'm not going to let myself off so easily. It is totally and completely my fault. It's one of the things I hate most about myself, and I don't know how to change it. I suck.

***

Saturday, Yahn, Alice, D. and I went up to Anhk-Morpork to look for Formal stuff.

Hot Topic had a lot of velvet floorlength things with bodices. Wow, I thought. RenFair. I could maybe pull that off. Then, I realized they were all black. It wasn't RenFair. It was Goth. I am so totally AntiGoth. I don't even like black t-shirts. I felt dirty, for even considering those dresses.

Then, while Yahn and D. were in the computer store, Alice and I peeked into Deb. Big mistake.

The front of the display window was nothing but taffeta and tulle. In bad pastels. They weren't even dresses. They were just these bizarre poofy things in disturbing colors. They looked like 1950. What is this, I thought. Who the hell wears tulle? Maybe this is the retro the kids are all talking about. I started giggling. These were ugly dresses. The people who bought them because they thought maybe looking tacky was kewl this year were morons.

Alice seemed to understand. "I could never wear something like that."

"Exactly," I said, still giggling.

Behind all the bizarre colored dresses, there were poofy white dresses. Those were slightly less frightening, and on the right person, might have looked somewhat reasonable. You know, like a bride. We moved even deeper into the store.

The next rack was nothing but evening gowns. They were floorlength, tube shaped things, with spaghetti straps. I started giggling again, but for a different reason. If someone had decided to spend a year doing nothing but trying to design a dress I could not wear, the end result would be a floorlength bodyhugging number with spaghetti straps.

Those are the dresses that look amazing on skinny short people. The dress just sort of hangs off of their clotheshanger bodies, and it looks incredible. However, I am neither short nor skinny. I'm about twelve feet tall, with a gut the size of Mexico.

Ok, maybe not. I'm taller than every other girl I know. I'm not repulsively fat, or even chunky, but I'm certainly not thin. I'm a big girl. I'm "healthy." I've got the classic pear shape. Yeah. That's the nice way to say it. And I do have a gut.

So, I generally avoid tight clothing. Sometimes, when I'm feeling spunky, I'll wear the tight shirt anyway, reasoning that anyone who dares to stare at my Gut From Another Dimension will eventually be distracted by my long, gorgeous legs.

That's the other reason I knew I didn't want the floorlength things. I gots legs. My legs are 37 inches long, thankyaverymuch, and every goddamn inch of them is fabulous. (You got to read about what I hate about my body. Now, you have to humor me, and listen to me rant about the good part.) I'm 5'8", and about 90% of that is Leg. I got legs like nobody's business. I got legs that just don't quit. I got two legs, from my hips to the ground. When I move them, they walk around. And since I spend all day walking, they're pretty well toned legs too. What the hell do I want with a dress that covers up my only decent feature? Hey, maybe since my legs are so outrageously long, those dresses wouldn't even be floorlength for me. They'd just barely reach my knees. Now, that would be attractive.

I started giggling again. Then, I realized that if you're laughing at the clothes, you're probably in the wrong store. Alice, who (damn her) weighs about 14 pounds, and actually could have worn the evening gowns, said they weren't really her style either. I loved her for it. I wanted to just pick her up and squish her into my enormous gut in a big bear hug. Instead, we left the store.

The four of us went into Gadzooks. I looked at the dresses, briefly, and shuddered. Then, I wandered over to where Yahn was looking at t-shirts.

"Goddammit! This is what I want! I hate dresses! I hate Formal! I want a t-shirt!"

"So....get one."

"Whoa."

"Yeah. Get like a black skirt, and a cool t-shirt."

"Whoa!"

So, I did. I bought a blue shiny t-shirt. I rock. And Yahn rocks, for suggesting it. Now, I just have to find a black skirt. A short one. Cuz I gots legs, goddammit.

I realized when I got home that I should have bought the red shiny t-shirt instead. I promised Anne months ago that I would wear something red to Formal, so I could wear my Cat in the Hat hat. Oh well. I might still wear the hat. D. said it looked OK with the blue shirt.

***

Nick made the schedule for the week. I've got tomorrow and Wednesday off, but I'm working mornings all weekend. I explained that I'd asked off for the whole weekend a month ago. I told him that I knew thngs were tricky since Laura quit, and I would work the Saturday shift if he couldn't find anyone, but I simply could not work Sunday. He admitted that he made a mistake, and would do what he could to fix it. Goddammit. I'm always there. At least once a week, I pick up someone else's shift. I never ask for time off. But I'm asking for this weekend. If I don't get it, I will be quite upset.

Grr.

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