D. has discovered Napster.

No, wait. That's not it. Obviously, he knew what Napster was. To be more accurate, he discovered that I'm an idiot who had the speakers plugged in wrong. He discovered that contrary to what I had been insisting for months, my computer is not actually mute.

So, even when I'm home, and awake, and not busy, I can't get on my computer, because he's always on it.

I thought briefly about wandering over to DiabloLand, and using one of their computers to update, but decided that was all wrong. Yeah, I don't mind if they find out I'm doing it, but I hate people reading over my shoulder. I always have.

The upshot is, today, you are going to get the Mother of All Entries. I've got like a week's worth of material cluttering my brain. Don't be frightened. After the first few dozen paragraphs, I'm sure your mind will go numb anyway.

***

First of all, what the hell is up with this "Youngest Alum" nonsense? Wej came up to me, and asked if it was true that as the newest alum, he had to take responsibility for all alumni actions. (Note to the rest of the world: Wej was never a Tau while in school. He can't be an active, because he's not a student. The House decided to activate him anyway, because he's just that cool, and grant him instant alumni status instead) Naturally, I told him yes. It seemed to me like a brilliant piece of mindfuck to spring on someone. Then, later, I heard other people discussing the idea in depth. In a month, when a bunch of people graduate, Collins is technically younger, but Sarah's name is last alphabetically, or something. What the fuck? Where did this come from?

I know, I know. Mythology in Action. Like society at large, Tau is constantly reinventing itself, and this is reflected in the currently popular beliefs. It was just kinda a culture shock moment for me, watching it happen.

***

In the process of changing my computer all around, D. switched me from Netscape to IE. Dammit. I don't want Favorites. I want my Bookmarks. He claimed I could use whatever program I wanted, but just now, Netscape wouldn't let me in. Dammit. I don't remember offhand what any of them were, but I know I had a lot of cool Bookmarks. Dammit, dammit, dammit!

***

One of the waitresses at work had a fight with Nick, and left in a huff. This sucks, on so many levels. First of all, it was Laura. She was one of my favorite people to work with. In addition, someone has to pick up her hours. No, wait. That part doesn't suck. I likes hours. Hours equal money. In fact, Laura's hours equal more money than mine did. But it does really suck that Laura had to leave in order for me to get them. I really liked her.

***

How to Catch an Elephant:

1)Dig an elephant sized hole.

2)Fill the hole with ashes.

3)Place a line of peas around the outside rim of the hole.

4)When the elephant comes over to take a pea, kick him in the ashhole.

***

My uncle told me that joke when I was like 10. It was the first dirty joke from an authority figure I'd ever heard. It made a huge impression on me.

***

This really sucks. I promised you a huge entry, but I think that's about all I can think of right now. Anne called me yesterday. I'm all elite now. I got a bunch of chocolate on Easter. See? This is not the stuff of which Great Entries are made.

Wait. I do know one way to stretch this puppy....

***

A man was driving down the road, a little before sunset. Suddenly, his car breaks down. It was getting late, and he was out in the middle of nowhere, so he decided to see if he could find somewhere to spend the night.

He walked about a mile down the road, and then he saw a pink house. And, I mean, everything about this house was pink. The roof was pink, the walls were pink, the windows were pink, the shutters were pink, there was even pink smoke trailing out of the pink chimney. Everything about this house was pink.

Now, the man thought this was kind of strange, but he didn't want to walk any further, so he opened the pink gate, walked up the pink sidewalk, stopped to watch a pink squirrel run up a pink tree, went up the pink steps, and rang the pink doorbell.

The pink lady appeared. And I mean, everything about her was pink. Her skin was pink, her hair was pink, her fingers were pink, her fingernails were pink, her dress was pink, her apron was pink, everything about this lady was pink.

The man explained his situation, and the pink lady said, "Oh, of course you can spend the night here, please follow me."

So the man wiped his feet on the pink doormat, followed the pink lady up her pink staircase, and into the pink guest bedroom. And, I mean, everything about this room was pink. The sheets were pink, the pillows were pink, the blankets were pink, the rug was pink, the curtains were pink, everything about this room was pink.

The man took off his clothes, put on the pink pajamas the pink lady had left out, climbed into the pink bed, and fell asleep. He had a pink dream, where he and the pink lady were holding hands, and running through a pink field of pink daffodils, and the sun was shining pinkly.

The man woke up the next morning, and he felt great. He got dressed, and went down the pink stairs. He found the pink lady in her pink kitchen, cooking breakfast. And, I mean, everything about this kitchen was pink. The stove was pink, the floor was pink, the table was pink, the tablecloth was pink, everything was pink.

The pink lady said, "Did you sleep well?"

The man said, "Yes, thanks so much for letting me stay, but I probably should call the tow truck now."

The pink lady said, "Don't you want any breakfast?"

"Oh, no thanks. I've imposed upon you enough already."

"But I hardly ever get visitors, and you really should eat something. I can make eggs, or toast, or whatever you want."

"No, no. You don't have to go to all that trouble. Just a bowl of dry cereal would be fine"

"Would you like cornflakes or rice crispies?"

"Cornflakes, please."

So the pink lady reached into her pink cupboard and got out the box of pink cornflakes, and then she went into another cupboard and got the man a pink bowl and a pink spoon, and from the refrigerator, she got the pink milk, and she put all of it on the pink table, along with a pink coffee cup full of pink coffee, and a pink sugar dish.

The man ate his breakfast, put the pink dishes in the pink sink, called the tow truck on the pink lady's pink phone, thanked the pink lady again for her kindness, and passed out of her life forever.

About a week later, a different man happened to be driving down the same road, and suddenly, his car breaks down.

He didn't want to spend the night in his car, so walked about a mile, and he saw the pink house. And, I mean, everything about this house was pink. The doors were pink, the windows were pink, the porch was pink, the porch swing was pink, everything about this house was pink.

The man thought this was kind of strange, but he needed somewhere to spend the night, so he opened the pink gate, walked up the pink path, stopped to admire the pink daffodils that were growing by the side of the pink house, went up the pink stairs to the pink porch, and rang the pink doorbell.

Before too long, the pink lady appeared. And, I mean, everything about this lady was pink. Her skin was pink, her hair was pink, her nose was pink, her eyes were pink, her shirt was pink, her pants were pink, her shoes were pink, everything about this lady was pink.

The man explained his situation, and the pink lady said, "Oh, of course you can spend the night here, please follow me."

So the man followed the pink lady up the pink stairs to the pink guest bedroom. And, I mean, everything about this room was pink. The bed was pink, the walls were pink, there were pink painted landscapes in pink frames hanging on the pink walls, the rug was pink, the curtains were pink, everything about this room was pink.

The man took off his clothes, put on the pink pajamas the pink lady had left out for him, went into the adjoining pink bathroom and brushed his teeth with a pink toothbrush, washed his hands and face with a pink washcloth and pink soap, climbed into the pink bed, and fell asleep.

He had a pink dream, where he and the pink lady were holding hands, and walking through a pink field of pink daisies, and the sun was shining pinkly.

The next morning, the man felt great. He got dressed, and went down the pink stairs to find the pink lady. He found her cooking breakfast in the pink kitchen. And, I mean, everything about this kitchen was pink. The refrigerator was pink, the stove was pink, the table was pink with a pink tablecloth, the floor was pink, the ceiling was pink, the cupboards were pink, everything about this kitchen was pink.

The pink lady said, "How did you sleep?"

The man said, "Just fine thanks. Where is your phone?"

"Oh, you can't just leave! Let me make you breakfast first."

"No, no. I don't want to trouble you any further."

"It's no trouble at all. I can make pancakes, or bacon, or anything you want. You've got to eat something."

"Oh, OK. I'll just have some dry cereal."

"Would you like cornflakes or rice crispies?"

"Cornflakes, please."

So the pink lady got out a pink bowl and a pink spoon, and she got the box of pink cornflakes, and the carton of pink milk, and put it all on the pink table right next to a pink mug of pink coffee and a copy of the pink morning paper.

The man ate his breakfast, put his pink dishes in the pink sink, and used the pink lady's pink phone to call a tow truck. He thanked the pink lady again for her hospitality, and walked out of her life forever.

About a week later, wouldn't you know it, another man is driving down this same road, and of course, it's getting dark, and of course, his car breaks down. He doesn't want to spend the night in his car, so he decides to see if he can find anyone to help him.

He walked about a mile, and he saw the pink house. And, I mean, everything about this house was pink. The walls were pink, the roof was pink, the windows were pink, the shutters on the windows were pink, the door was pink, the porch was pink, the porch swing was pink, everything about this house was pink.

Well, the man thought this was kind of strange, but he needed somewhere to spend the night, so he opened the pink gate, walked up the pink path, stopped to admire a tiny pink birdhouse in the pink branches of the big pink tree, went up the pink steps, and rang the pink doorbell.

Before too long, the pink lady appeared. And, I mean, everything about this lady was pink. her hair was pink, with pink barrettes holding it all in place, her skin was pink, her face was pink, her lips were pink, her eyes were pink, her ears were pink, her shirt was pink, her skirt was pink, her apron was pink, her shoes were pink, everything about this lady was pink.

The man explained his situation, and the pink lady said, "Well, of course you can stay here. Please follow me."

So, the man followed the pink lady inside. He peeked into the living room, and saw a pink crossword puzzle book and a pink pen lying on top of a pink afghan draped across a pink chair. Upstairs, the pink lady showed him where the guestroom was, he thanked her, and went inside.

Lemme tell you, everything in this guestroom was pink. The walls were pink, the windows were pink, the bed was pink, the bed frame was pink, the pillows were pink, everything in this room was pink.

The man undressed, put on the pink pajamas the pink lady had left out for him, climbed into the pink bed, and fell asleep. He had a pink dream, where he and the pink lady were holding hands, and walking through a pink field of pink tulips and the sun was shining pinkly.

The next morning the man woke up, feeling great. He went into the adjoining pink bathroom, and had a pink shower. He dried himself with a pink towel, and shaved using a pink disposable razor the pink lady had left for him. He brushed his teeth, and gargled with pink mouthwash. Then, he put on his clothes, and went downstairs to find the pink lady.

He found her cooking breakfast in the pink kitchen. And, I mean, everything in this kitchen was pink. The stove was pink, the refrigerator was pink, the table was pink with a pink tablecloth, the toaster was pink, the electric can opener was pink, the sink was pink, the dishrack was pink, everything in this kitchen was pink.

The pink lady said, "How did you sleep?"

The man said, "Fine thanks. Where is your phone?"

"Oh you can't leave yet! Let me make you breakfast. I can make omelettes, or waffles, or anything. You really should eat something before you go."

"Oh, alright. I'll have a bowl of cereal."

"Would you like cornflakes or rice crispies?"

"Rice crispies, please."

So, the pink lady got out the box of pink rice crispies, and a pink bowl, and a pink spoon, and she got the pink milk out of the pink refrigerator, and put it all on the pink table, along with a pink mug of pink coffee.

The man ate his breakfast, put the pink dishes in the pink sink, and used the pink phone to call a tow truck. Then, he thaked the pink lady for all her kindness, and passed out of her life forever.

Do you know what the moral of the story is?

People prefer cornflakes two to one.

***

Whew. I'm worn out just typing all that. But, I'd been thinking about doing that someday forever. Now, my life is complete.

While I was typing, I got bored. So, just in case there's anyone still reading, I'd like to announce a contest. With prizes!

See, the point of the pink joke is to stretch out this incredibly long, painfully repetitive story as long as possible. I actually spared you guys a whole bunch of pain, by trying to change things around a bit as I went along.

The contest is this: Tell someone the pink joke. Drag it out as long as you can. Add details. Lots of them. The expression on their faces when you finally deliver the lame punchline is worth it, though you might want to be sure before you start that you have an escape route. Then, post your time on my message board. Please be honest. The person who tells the longest version of the pink joke will receive a prize. I don't know what yet. But I promise there will be something. The deadline is one week from today.

I have given you a great and powerful gift: The Longest, Stupidest Joke in the World. Please use it wisely....

previous--next