At one point last night there were eight people in my living room.

You've gotta keep in mind, I really don't have the furniture for hanging out. There's the couch, which even though everyone thinks it's the best couch ever, I happen to know it sucks. There's the huge stuffed elephant. There's a bunch of folding chairs in the gaming room. For just D. and me, it's more than enough. But when everyone comes over, I always feel bad that I don't have more comfortable furniture.

It was a good time though. We just sat around and talked and listened to music and smoked all night long. George was a little confused at first ("Who ARE all you people??"), but he loved all the attention.

***

We're gonna trip on Saturday. Yahn and Alice have never done it before. I haven't done acid in almost four years.

The first time, it was kinda scary, but overall pretty cool. It was me, D. and Rick, while we were living in Milwaukee. We were bored, and playing Monopoly. D. and Rick were suddenly like, "What the hell, we've got it in the freezer, let's go." About ten minutes later, I decided to join them.

All throughout college, I had refused acid several times. Pot was enough. But, I'd seen enough people do it that I thought I knew what to expect, and I was just starting to wonder if I was ready to try it my last semester.

So, D. and Rick had just said "what the hell," and I knew I didn't want another night of getting stoned and watching the trippers. See, in college, it wasn't really an issue. If they got to some place I just couldn't understand, I could wander off and find other amusement. But D. and Rick and Shannon had tripped while I watched a few days earlier, and for the first time, I'd had nowhere else to go. It was boring. I didn't want another night like that. So, I said "what the hell."

We decided to keep playing Monopoly while we waited for it to kick in. I was really into the game, when Rick stood up and said, "NO. I can't deal with this anymore." About ten minutes later, I understood.

I played with a candle. No matter what fucked up things I did to the candle, the wick kept burning. I was tearing down the sides of the candle, and then shoving them up, and dipping my fingers in the wax. I realized that the candle was a lot like me. It seemed fucked up, but it was essentially the same candle. See? The wick was fine. I told myself that as long as the candle kept burning, I knew I'd be ok.

Almost as soon as I'd worked this out, D. and Rick decided it was time to go. (But...but...I have to stay and watch the candle!) I took the candle in the bathroom, and put a little of the wax on my forehead, so I could take the candle with me. I blew out the candle, and realized I was standing in the dark, with wax smeared all over myself. I remember thinking, "OK. This is nuts. This is the mindset where people jump out of windows. Stop it right now." And then I was fine.

We played video games at The Landmark.

I found The Most Amazing Pinball Machine Ever. It was called "IT'S MAGIC!" and I swear it was. You know how most pinball machines have the one slot on the side, and sometimes the ball just goes down, and sometimes a spring pops out, and shoots the ball back into play? The ball fell down this slot. I thought "Stop!" and the ball stopped moving. "Good lord. I am the Pinball Wizard!"

I shot the ball right into a spiral pathway. It got halfway up the path, and vanished. Finally, I found it going through a mirror image of the pathway on the opposite side of the machine. I was trying to accept this, and the ball came out of the path I'd originally shot it down.

After about 10 minutes of this, I figured it out. The machine was full of mirrors and magnets and shit. "Oh. My. God. This is so fucking cool!"

I played for maybe a half hour before I realized I hadn't put any money in for a while. I suck at pinball. This wasn't right. I thought about it, and realized I must have gone through at least 30 balls. I looked, and saw that the machine still had 12 credits. Someone had racked up maybe 20 credits, and then walked away. When D. and Rick were ready to go home, there will still five or six credits left.

We went home, and I played with the candle more. But I was all through peaking, and I knew it wasn't my brain this time.

***

The next time I tripped, I remembered how scary it had been for those few seconds in the bathroom, and I decided to only take half a hit.

D. and I walked to this gaming/art supply store about eight blocks away. We started peaking about halfway there. In the store, D. got lost in gaming books, while I looked at the art supplies. I bought a tiny package of green clay, and some star-shaped glitter.

We walked home. It was beautiful and sunny out but really windy. I opened the package of glitter, and watched a thin stream of glitter whip behind me, swirling and sparkling.

We stopped in the liquor store. The guy behind the counter took one look at us, and offered us a piece of candy.

When we got home, D. had to leave to go play Magic. Rick and I cleaned out the fridge. It was incredibly hardcore, but also really funny. "OH MY GOD!!!" *Run to the bathroom. Flush.* "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!" *Run to the bathroom. Flush* It was totally disgusting, but we were detached enough that it was also almost fascinating. Oooh. Furry....

By the time we were done with the fridge, I was done peaking, and felt almost nothing. I decided that maybe one hit was a little scary, but half a hit just wasn't enough.

***

The main thing I remembered from my 3rd and last trip was being afraid. That was the time Rick and D. and I came up to Cowtown with acid and opium. I remembered freaking out because all the people I loved most in the world were doing nothing but sitting in Jennifer's room, smoking opium. They were turning into addicts right before my eyes.

Just now, I reread the paper journal entry I'd written right after that trip. I'd completely forgotten all the good parts. I'd forgotten about how D. and I had just finished playing Crash Bandicoot for the first time, and all of Cowtown looked like a Bandicoot level. I'd forgotten about the time travelling. I'd forgotten about how even though Jennifer's room was hardcore, Tau Library was the best, most spiritual place I'd been in my entire life. I'd forgotten about sitting up on Worm Hill and watching the moon float down towards us.

So, I was thinking maybe I didn't wanna trip this weekend after all, but now I do. I've had some scary moments, but for the most part, tripping is fun. All I have to do is remember not to let The Fear get to me.

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