D:(Blink, blink) Why is Jake taking a shower?

Ana:(Blink, blink) Uh...Because he's dirty?

Turns out, he thought Jake was taking a shower at our house. Maybe you had to be there. We laughed and laughed, though.

***

D. isn't working at all next week. None of the temps are. Apparently, some of the real staff are being laid off, too. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He worked four days this week. Dante even got called in. I was sure this was the end of the dry spell. I need money goddammit!! Car payment, student loan, credit cards, insurance, etc. etc. etc. Fuck.

***

So, Tuesday, D. came home from work and the first words out of his mouth were, "So, why exactly aren't we married yet?"

My first thought was, "Honey, you've gotta find a new job. These people are putting all sorts of crazy ideas in your head." I didn't say that, though.

Some highlights from the following two hours:

Two years ago was the last time he'd asked. At the time, I had told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to marry him.

I told him I had had a lot of self doubts, and I didn't see what the difference was. We've been together seven years. What difference does a piece of paper make.

(I realized later that this was a couple months after he'd spent the entire summer playing Civ and not working. I'd said that because that memory still rankled. By the time I realized that has been my reason, we were talking about something else entirely.)

He said, the difference is he'd know. He wants stability in his life. He doesn't want to keep letting life just happen to him anymore.

Then, he said that he knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'm the one who he wants to spend forever with. He doesn't understand how I could have any doubts at all.

He said he'd hated being unemployed in Nekoosa for so long. The only reason he hadn't said screw it and moved back in with his parents was because he wanted to be with me. (Remember, I hadn't actually mentioned Nekoosa. This hit doubly hard, because I knew he wasn't just saying that because that was my objection.)

I told him I hadn't known he felt so strongly. I hadn't really thought about marriage in a long time. But if the piece of paper meant that much to him, name a date.

"Two weeks."

That threw me. I found I couldn't say yes to two weeks. I knew he'd said that just to make me admit I wouldn't do it. I was just holding on to him and sobbing, and that seemed to give him the answer he wanted.

We were lying on the bed. I was holding him as tightly as I could and bawling. He was hugging me, and waiting.

I thought, he loves me. He really really loves me. And I...well, I take care of him. Aw, crap. That's not right. He loves me, and I do his laundry, and bring him soda when he's been over at Dante's for hours and is probably thirsty, and drive him to work at 4:30am because it's a long cold walk....

I asked him what exactly he meant by "love." He said he'd do anything for me, and he'd do anything to make me happy. Well, ok. That's why I take care of him. So I guess I really do love him too. I tried explaining this, sure it was going to come out wrong, but he understood.

He said he wouldn't have accepted, even if I had said yes to two weeks. He doesn't want to feel like he guilted me into marriage.

I said ok, well I hadn't really been thinking about it. I had no idea you wanted it so badly. How about if I think about it for a few days, and when I'm ready, I'll ask you.

***

So, I've been thinking about it:

Ok. This is an ultimatum. He didn't phrase it that way, and he would never ever have even suggested that, but that's what he meant. He doesn't want to just go on as we are any more. It's either marriage or goodbye. Well, in that case, it's definitely marriage.

Now wait a minute...

Do you want him to leave entirely? Can you even imagine life without him?

But he's not going to leave. And I have a lot of doubts sometimes.

Like what?

I have had sex with two people in my entire life. Granted he's worlds better than Kehl, but aren't I supposed to get a chance to play the field or something?

I can't believe you're using that as an argument. You've had seven years to say wait, I want to look around a little more. You're clearly not going to look. He's the one. Accept it.

But, but, but...

And you've had chances. People have asked, (granted, not seriously, but you've always responded seriously) and you've said no. You already are married, kiddo. Get the fucking paper, because it will make D. happy.

But it's such a big step...

No, it isn't. Deciding to live together is a big step. Deciding to move away from all of your friends together to somewhere where all you'll have is each other is a big step. You've already made the big step, several times.

But my freedom, my sense of self.

Shut the hell up. In seven years, has he once even gotten mad when you decide you'd rather spend time with your friends than his? Or when you get drunk and hang all over your male friends? He trusts you completely, because he knows as well as you do that that's as far as it will ever go. Why do you think that will change when you're married?

***

And, well, that's where it is. I will marry him. I've spent too long not thinking about it and just letting things happen. I really had no idea that by "just existing" I was hurting him so much. I don't ever want to hurt him.

It's kind of shocking to realize, again, that I love him, and that even though he doesn't always express it, he really does love me.

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