Have you seen these?
A Year in Books - 2009-12-27
Skip Tracer, Loan Detective - 2009-11-22
New Job - 2009-11-03
The coleslaw got served. - 2009-10-21
Probably a new job. But maybe not. - 2009-10-08

Collateral Damage
2001-02-28 15:01:02

My apologies to the gang over at The Ampersand Project. All the other submissions so far seemed so serious. I wanted to do something a little different.

***

"COLLATERAL DAMAGE!!!!" The sign was taped slightly offcenter in the front window of a deserted storefront downtown.

I had passed the building every day on my way to and from work. It had been empty for months.

I tried to peer inside the grimy windows. The same dusty shelves still lined the left wall. The same cloth-covered somethings still hulked in the back corners. The store looked just as it always had, except for the piece of notebook paper stuck to the inside window with "COLLATERAL DAMAGE!!!!" scrawled in red marker. With nothing else to look at, I read the sign again. In tiny black letters at the bottom, the same hand had written "(coming soon)"

Had that been there before? I found myself watching the sign intently for a few minutes. Of course, nothing happened. I shook my head, laughing at my own paranoia, and continued walking to work.

All day, though, I couldn't stop thinking about that strange little sign. What in the world was Collateral Damage? I knew what the term meant, of course. But what possible business could have that name? Was it an insurance company with a demented sense of humor? Maybe a bar or restaurant, looking for a distinctive name. I told myself I was being silly, but I just couldn't stop. Maybe it was a new band, or the name of a movie or play.

Finally, it was time to go home. Even though I had done nothing all day but obsess about Collateral Damage, the first sight of it as I turned onto the street that night was startling.

All the other shops on the block were closed for the night, so the lights shining from Collateral Damage seemed twice as bright. The windows had been cleaned to invisibility. There was a small mahogany desk about three feet from the window, facing outwards. The desk was empty, except for a small stack of loose papers and a bouquet of daisies.

Sitting behind the desk was a man in a dark grey three-piece suit and a red bowtie. He looked about fifty years old. Wisps of white hair danced around his head, although nothing else around him seemed to be affected by any breeze. Behind him, the solid white walls extended completely uninterrupted all the way to the back of the store.

It was an almost dreamlike image. Compared to the rest of the darkened street, this brightly lit room with its pure white walls hurt the eyes, and jarred reality a little.

The part that hurt my brain the most, though, was his smile. His smile was expectant. He looked as though he were watching a favorite movie, waiting for the best part. I turned. There was nothing going on in the street behind me, but he wasn't watching me either. Most of all, though, his smile was patient. I had the feeling that he would sit there placidly in the shop window, with his hands neatly folded on his desk, and smile until the end of the world.

Without really knowing why, I opened the door. He gestured towards the chair in front of his desk, smiling all the while. Up close, the smile was definitely creepy. He was looking right at me now, but his smile was still completely vacant, and maybe directed at something behind my head.

"You may call me Phlyn. I'm in Collateral Damage, though I do some Damage to Collaterals too, when the money's right." Before I could even begin to process this, he continued. "That's just my little joke. You may call me Phlyn."

I blinked. "Well, uh, Mr. Flin--"

"No, no. Phlyn."

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I'm a little touchy about the pronunciation. Please continue."

"Uh, my name is Ana Ng and I'm not really sure why I came in here but your lights were on and I was curious and--"

"And you want some collateral damage! Splendid. It's so nice to finally be appreciated. I've been giving away collateral damage for years, and even though everyone talks about my work, no one has ever specifically come to me about it. Thank you, Miss Ng, for renewing an old man's interest in his work. I am truly looking forward to working with you."

None of it made any sense. I staggered towards the chair, as he had suggested. It seemed easiest. "So what exactly do you mean by 'collateral damage'?"

"Well, say something goes wrong. Then, a bunch of little things that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for the first event start to happen too. That's the collateral damage. It's a really exciting field right now. All the newspapers are talking about it."

All of this was delivered in bland, matter-of fact tones. His smile, I realized, wasn't threatening at all. It was a reasurring smile. I wanted to know more. "And you...sell it?"

He leaned back in his chair and laughed until his whole body shook. "No, of course not. Who'd buy it? I give it away."

He was still smiling. Everything he said made such perfect sense. I shook my head, and realized that it didn't really make any sense at all. "But...But...If you know that no one wants it...."

"Well, I've got it. I've got sackfuls of the stuff sitting in the back. It seems such a pity to let it go to waste."

Yes. I could see that. His smile was so sad now. I wanted to tell him I'd take as much Collateral Damage as I could carry.

Instead, I asked, "But how do you decide who to give it to?"

He smiled again. "Well, I've got some cousins who drop me a line when they've got something big planned. You've probably heard of my cousin Arlim. He usually goes by the name Death, of course. Looks more professional on the business cards, you see."

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I should be feeling very frightened. But his smile was still calm and reassuring.

"Yes, Arlie and I talk several times a day. There's so many little details to arrange. Those really are my favorites."

I tried to focus on what he was saying. "Little details?" I asked.

He beamed, pleased that I was so interested in his work. "Well, of course. The family's all torn up, so it's the perfect time for me to slip in some extra Resentment and Fear, which then manifests as maybe a little Carelessness at Work, and well, then anything can happen!" His eyes crinkled with glee. "Sometimes, I can even arrange a chain of events that leads to another Death! Arlie and I like to help each other out. And then of course, there's Gombak, who you probably know as War. I don't hear from him as often as I do Arlie, but when he calls, I always know it's worth my while. There's the Human Cost, and Morality Issues, and Damage to National Treasures, just to name a few. And when Famine drops me a line, well, I know I've got enough to keep me occupied for years, if I can play it right!"

I knew that what he was saying was important, somehow. I couldn't focus on it though. He seemed to understand. He smiled again.

"Yes, we have a lot of fun together. It's interesting, though. When I stop and think about it, I must have always been around. But I only remember having a physical form like this for a few years, ever since I started getting attention in the media. I think that's partly why I'm so strong right now. War, and Famine, and the rest of the gang, they're actual events you can point to. I'm just an effect. But, thanks to humanity's interest in me, I'm real now. I've got an office and everything. And I'm not going anywhere." He stopped suddenly. His smile, which was beginning to get a maniacal glint around the edges, softened back into blandness. "But where are my manners? You'll have to excuse me for going on like this, Miss Ng. I get so few social calls."

I hadn't heard a single word he'd said. I'd been looking at his smile.

"You should probably be going now."

I shook my head to clear it. It felt as if I had been sitting in that chair for years. "Wow. Is that the time? I should probably be going now."

"Yes, you should. You should also most definitely keep smoking. I'll be able to do all sorts of things with that for you in a few years. It's probably best if I move my office. No telling what you'll remember of this in the morning. But I will be watching you with great interest, Miss Ng."

He couldn't possibly have said that. It didn't make any sense. His smile was so reassuring as he led me to the door. I must have misheard him.

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