***

First of all, I have to explain about the budget. D. decided long ago that I was "the responsible one." He signs his check over to me in full each week. He used to bitch a little about paying my student loan, but I explained that it only looks that way. If you want to get technical, he pays my student loan, but I buy him cigarettes, and food, and drugs, and toiletries, and a dozen other small things. Basically, I use his check to pay the big bills, and my tips to cover everything else. It works out.

He's actually probably ahead in the deal, because he never has to think at all about clean clothes or toilet paper or food or anything. It just magically appears, as far as he's concerned. When there's extra money, I usually give most of it to him. Lately, though, there just hasn't been a lot of extra money.

***

A few weeks ago, D. and a bunch of random Taus came into Kristina's. It turned out that D. ordered more food than he could actually pay for. I reached into my tips pocket and handed him a wad of cash. Then, I made some smartass comment about "negative tips."

This isn't the problem. He does this all the time. Yeah, it does bug me a little. We talked about it, and I explained that it's frustrating for me to be thinking, "OK, I've got $25 so far, that's definitely enough for gas and cigs, and if I make say $30 more today, I can pay the credit cards too..." and then he comes in and I have to throw my financial plans out the window to buy him food. Maybe I don't really have the money to be doing that, but he's there, and I really don't have a lot of choice.

So, we talked about it, and he wasn't doing it as much anymore. But, that particular day, Anne and Jack were in town. Of course, they amassed a screaming horde to Visit Ana at Work, and of course, D. was part of it. I'd kinda suspected that this would happen, and even figured it into the "how the tips from today will be spent" equation.

But, when it happened, I couldn't resist giving him a little shit. Mostly, I was showing off, and being (loud) and funny about "poor longsuffering Ana" for the amusement of my friends.

He knew I was kidding. Even though no one else at the table knew exactly what was going on, they knew me, and they knew him, and they knew it was all in fun.

***

Yesterday, at work, D. was in a discussion about tips. D. said he always tips. One of his coworkers said no, you're the asshole who makes your girlfriend at Kristina's buy you food out of her tips. D. tried to explain that I was kidding. Then, they all jumped on him, for making me buy him food, and then lying about me not minding. They were there. They saw the truth.

***

So, D. got into the car and started bitching. I said, "Well, you knew I was kidding, right?"

He said, "Yeah, but they didn't. Every single person at work thinks I'm a fucking asshole."

I wasn't thinking very clearly at all. I dropped him at home, and said I had to go do laundry. He got out of the car, and slammed the door. I said, "I love you" but he ignored me.

I was almost in tears the whole time I was at the laundromat.

I shouldn't have said that. I didn't know everyone in the restaurant was listening, but I shouldn't have said that. *sniffle* Why's he taking this so personally, anyway? Doesn't matter. He is, and he's mad at me, because it's all my fault Why did I say that? *sniffle* He's mad because this is part of the bigger problem, that we don't have enough money. If I'd been able to give him enough money before he came in that day, this wouldn't have come up. Maybe I should get a better job, and then he won't be mad at me anymore. *sniffle* Now wait a minute. I've figured it out. I make roughly the same amount he does in a normal week. But he hasn't had a normal week in months. He's the one suddenly making only $100 week. So why's he mad at me? Doesn't matter. This is clearly my fault, because he's mad. I hate it when he's mad. *sniffle* He's just cranky and overtired. Everything will be fine when he sees how irrational he's being. Oh, but what if it isn't? *sniffle whimper bawl*

Finally, the laundry was done, and I was almost in control of myself again. I stopped at the grocery store, to buy the ingredients for bacon cheeseburgers. Yeah. I'm not above buying love.

He wasn't home. That almost made me lose it again. Then, I realized he had to be over at DiabloLand. I could just as easily talk to him over there.

I gathered up a can of soda, a pack of cigs, and the remains of the drugs as a peace offering, and went there.

Rijid: Hey, Ana.

CJ:How's it going, Ana?

Ana:(to D.) Hiya.

D:(continues Spooging)

Ana:(sees that D. might not have noticed her. That happens sometimes. She touches his arm.)Hiya.

Rijid: Hey, D, there's someone here to see you!

D:(Spooges)

Ana:(feels tears welling up in her eyes, again. She can't cry here. She drops the peace offerings on the desk, and runs out of the room.)

So, I spent the rest of the night in this bizarro "Don't think about it just don't even think his name or you'll be bawling again" state of mind. Being ignored like that really really hurt.

When I got home from work, D. was in bed, but not asleep. His first words were "I'm sorry." I said I was sorry too and then I went off in a confused rant about everything I'd been thinking all day. He got upset. "We're not talking about that!" "OK, OK. I'm sorry. I was just really upset today and--how about if I just cook dinner, and we forget about it?" Every now and then, I manage to say the right thing.

I made dinner, and he ate, and went back to bed. A half hour later, I joined him.

"The worst part of it is I've gotta go back there tomorrow."

I held him for a while. "Well, everyone who matters knows the truth."

"I don't know why I'm so upset, but I am."

"They'll forget all about it in a few days. And I am so so sorry I said that."

We snuggled for a little more. I said, "I love you?"

"I love you too."

And I really haven't talked to him since. I drove him to work this morning, but we're usually both half asleep for this, so the fact that nothing was said really isn't that strange. I'll have to wait and see how he feels today when I pick him up. I really hope no one said anything to him.

***

And in other news. The cash register Sunday was so far off that Nick printed out the full report. According to the tape, the register was turned off several times, and six or seven transactions were voided. It was just me and Lusy in there all day long. I certainly don't know how to void things, and Lusy wouldn't have had any reason to. So, Nick was finally ready to accept the idea that his cash register is operating on a completely different plane of existence than the rest of us. But last night, Sue did the register, and it came out perfectly.

So, either I'm repeatedly entering some sort of hypnotic trance and then doing all sorts of funky stunts to deliberately screw up the day's totals, or the cash register just plain hates me. Either way, splendid.

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