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A Year in Books - 2009-12-27
Skip Tracer, Loan Detective - 2009-11-22
New Job - 2009-11-03
The coleslaw got served. - 2009-10-21
Probably a new job. But maybe not. - 2009-10-08

No. No title for you.
2001-02-21 20:16:49

Feh. Feeling self-conscious again.

I've been writing in Wordpad lately, instead of here. Partly, I'm working on a short story, and I don't want to "publish" it till I get it right. Partly, there were some things I've been thinking about, but didn't want to write here, because too many people I know would read it.

Then, I started thinking. (Dammit. When will I learn?) I wondered if maybe by writing fiction in my journal instead of my real thoughts, I was wimping out. I just invited a whole slew of people to come read me, and it was so totally typical of me to then immediately close up and not say a damn thing.

"Yo! Over here! Acknowledge me! Oh, wait. Nevermind. Why are they all looking at me??"

I'm pretty sure I'm being silly. I've almost got myself convinced that I'm totally overreacting, again. I want an online journal. A real one. Not a humor column. So, I'm gonna just say screw it.

This is me. Right now, this is what I'm thinking about. It's gonna drive me crazy if I don't talk about it.

***

Last night, Alice and I were hanging out in Rijid's room. She mentioned something about a little stuffed aardvark he has. He said it had been a gift from Lynne. Then he said he still had a CD she had given him too, and it was one of his favorites. He said he didn't see why he shouldn't keep these things, even though he and Lynne were all gone wrong now. Then, he said "I always feel strange, talking about Lynne when Ana's around."

"Yeah," is what I should have said. "You're right. This is totally fucked up, and I sometimes think it's kinda getting between us really being friends, and I wanna talk about it."

But I didn't. "Don't worry about it, it's cool" is the best I could manage.

***

Lynne's freshman year, she hooked up with a prospective. He was from GI George's hometown, so he came to see George, and ended up meeting Lynne. At the time, I was living in Nekoosa. I came to Tau for a few parties, but had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. I also had no clear idea what Lynne was up to. She sent me joke e-mails, but we didn't really talk.

I might actually have met The Prospective. I'm embarrased to admit it, but I'm not really sure. If I did, I would have immediately thought to myself, "OK, this is all about Lynne. I have no business in her world. Say hi, and get the hell out." So, if I did meet him, it wasn't a very memorable experience.

Over the summer, I got a few e-mails from Lynne. Her "sweet baboo" (her term) was the best. He sent her flowers, after she'd mentioned she had a shitty day.

"Aww. That's so cute!" I thought, and then not much else. Not my business. Not gonna get involved.

Time passed. I realized it was October, and I hadn't heard anything about The Prospective in a while. Maybe it didn't work out. Or maybe he just decided to go to school somewhere else.

***

When school started this year, I started to get to know Rijid. I must have met him when he pledged the House last year, but at the time, I was avoiding hanging out with stoners, because they were all getting high and I wasn't.

So, for all practical purposes, I met Rijid last fall. He seemed to have a lot of issues with my sister. A lot of people did. I told him the same thing I'd been telling everyone else. I really didn't wanna hear about it anymore. I didn't say anything, but I assumed Rijid's issues all stemmed from the whole Lynne vs. Bryan messiness the previous spring.

He stopped talking about Lynne. We hung out sometimes, but we were never really close.

Then, maybe December, everything finally fell into place. Alice was talking again about how she and George and Rijid were all from the same hometown. I knew that. I'd heard it from all three of them a dozen times.

"Alice and George dated in high school. Alice and Rijid are both from St. Louis. George and Rijid have been friends for years. Yeah, I know all this. What's the point?"

But that day, it clicked. I turned to Rijid.

"Shit! That was you! You're The Prospective who dated Lynne!"

"Um...yeah."

"I never knew that! That is so fucked up!"

And, well, that was as far as the conversation went that day.

***

So, now, it's two months later. I've been doing a lot more stuff with Rijid lately, and I can't stop thinking about The Lynne Factor.

Ahh! He dated my sister! I don't know any of the details, but I think it must have ended badly, because they both seem to just plain hate each other! What the fuck!

I'd really like to talk to him about it. But I don't know how to get started. Even when he brings it up, like last night, I totally freeze up. Feh.

I've been writing for so long. I'm gonna stop now.

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