me:Um...about $15.

D:(laughs)You could buy a book.

me:(laughs bitterly) Yeah, or I could renew my birth control, or buy your eczema lotion, or--

D: JEEZ! OK, OK! I thought you meant that was extra money!

me:(realizing we're once again having completely different conversations) um...It's really sweet that you wanted me to buy a book? (senses this probably wasn't the right answer, if there even was one. Exits stage left.)

***

D'oh. I suppose the correct answer is that I've got about negative $45. Maybe negative $500, if you count the car and groceries and everything.

But it's getting better, it really is. One more week, possibly two, and I'll have it all under control again. Well, except for the car, of course. My poor little purple car is going to self destruct, because I can't get what's probably a small problem right now fixed before it gets to be a huge problem.

***

I think part of the problem is that D. doesn't really understand how I feel about debt. It's not his fault. I know it's complicated.

Basically, I'm in way over my head. I know this. But my mood on the subject ranges from day to day. Sometimes, I'm depressed. Sometimes, it's almost funny, and I get way melodramatic, and beat my breast and tear my hair, crying "Vot shall I do about zis rent!" Sometimes, coming from either angle, or maybe both simultaneously, I just get sarcastic. D. can't tell the difference. So, he blows up, and then I feel bad. I knew I was just kidding. That time.

***

So, I left him in the bedroom, and went online to look for a new job. I'd seen an ad on TV last night for a place run by a local TV station. I found nothing.

Or, maybe I found a bunch of things I could do, if I could ever work up the courage to try them. I'm not really sure. I found nothing I wanted to risk trying.

I kept surfing. I registered with a service that will e-mail me job offers that might kinda match what I told them I might kinda be capable of. It's a start.

Then, I ended up in some sort of "find your perfect job!" thing. I answered the 70 questions about what sorts of situations I like and dislike. They mailed me a personality profile, and invited me to search their database for matches.

The clever bit is, I get to make three matches for free. Any additional matches, I have to register and give them a lot of money. The really clever bit is, their database is set up as a list of all possible jobs in the world. They have no specific jobs. They're just offering me ideas for things I would probably enjoy, if I could find them.

To properly use the system, I would have to register, and then systematically go through the entire list. Then, when (or, if) I found the three or four jobs that I am absolutely perfect for, I get to go out on my own and see if there's any way I could get one of them right here and right now.

So, ok. Since I'm not going to give them any money, I get three chances at this little Russian Roulette of Happiness here. I can type in three jobs off the top of my head, and learn whether I could, in theory, do it. If I get lucky, and find something I could do, I'm still completely clueless about how to get there from here.

I learned that my brain and temperament are 63% capable of making me a Writer. They said that was a Level One Match, which apparently, is pretty good, but I was suddenly far too depressed to go any further. Sixty three percent??

I should go back, and try "Waitress" as my second shot at happiness. Find out if I really am doing better or worse in reality than I would be doing in my fantasy job.

Feh.

***

What I need to do is start keeping track of how much money I actually make. What with tips and randomly giving D. handfuls of cash because he gives me his whole paycheck for bills, I really have no idea.

Once I know that, I can figure out exactly how much more I need to be doing OK.

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