I just can't get over how odd this feels. (And, yes, there is some tiny masochistic part of me wondering what would happen if I skipped visiting my parents tomorrow, just so I could truly explore the depths of my self-pity.)

I miss D. Intellectually, I understand that he hasn't seen his sister in maybe two years. It's really not fair of me to expect him to give up his own family to spend time with mine. His sister wanted to have Christmas at her house. His parents were driving up there, and they really wanted him to go along. I worked today, and I'll work tomorrow morning and Monday morning. There was no way I could go with him. So, he went alone, and I made plans alone with my family.

If that weren't fucked up enough, I had to make it a little worse. When I really thought about it, I was looking forward to tomorrow night. The last dozen or so holidays, there really wasn't time for me to just hang out. D. and I went, but had to leave only an hour or so later, because we were also expected to show up at his parents' place. If I went alone, I could stay until I wanted to go. That might actually have been nice.

Last night, D. and I went over to visit Vincent and Dante and Bob. Dante was waiting for Nages to show up and take him away from all of this, so I knew he wouldn't be alone on Christmas. Bob's parents live in a town 15 minutes away, so I knew he wouldn't be alone on Christmas. But Vincent's relatives are all in New Mexico, and, as far as I knew, there weren't any other places he might be invited to. Eveyone in town except him either has somewhere to go, or some one person to share the day with.

I found myself inviting him to come to my parents' house with me. It was the Right Thing To Do. I couldn't possibly have not done it. But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, (This is horrible. You're going to hate me. I hate me) I wanted desperately to take them back. It's been so long since it was just Mom and Dad and Lynne and me. That would have been really nice.

He's a friend. I enjoy spending time with him. But I don't want him to come home with me. Not this time. I'm a selfish awful person.

I'm sure he'd have fun. Everyone gets a kick out of my dad, and I know Vincent would too. And it's a lot better than him spending Christmas alone and staring at his computer.

Vincent said he'd have to think about it. I think the nicest possible thing I can hope right now is that someone, anyone, else makes him a better offer. I don't want him to be alone. Alone on Christmas is bad. But I don't particularly want him around either. Feh.

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