Let me tell you about my day so far. It's 11:20 as I write this, and I've already had a full day of LIES! LIES LIES LIES! DAMN YOU TO HELL, MCI! AND KMART BITCH, I WILL FEAST ON YOUR STEAMING ENTRAILS!

Ok, Sorry about that. I just hate it when people lie to me. That's all I'm saying.

So, I woke up at 4:30 or so, because D. had to be to work by 5. The PlayStation II came out today. I'd told D. I would be there when K-mart opened at 8 to get him one. I knew I had to do laundry at some point. I also promised Anne I'd drive her to Zenith today, to pick up her new car. I had to be to work by 4. Cleaning my living room would be good.

I looked at all the stuff I had to do, and cleverly reasoned that if I started laundry at 6, when the laundromat opened, I could do it all.

K-mart is right next to the laundromat. At 6:10, I drove by. D. had gotten me all paranoid about screaming hordes of people waiting for the PSII, so I figured I would check it out. If there was a line, I'd postpone the laundry, and get into it. There was no line. There were two cars that looked empty, so I assumed they belonged to employees. I went to do laundry.

The blue shirt that I had made a point of grabbing when I saw it under the bed turned out to be a South Park shirt that said "SCREW YOU PECKERHEADS!" and not my work shirt. I looked at "SCREW YOU PECKERHEADS!" and realized there was just no way I'd be able to fake it, and wear that to work tonight instead. Sure it was almost exactly the same color, but I suspected Lusy might notice anyway.

I mentally rethought out my day. 8am: Buy PSII. 8:15am: Drive home and get real work shirt and enough other stuff to make up a full load. Laundry done by 10:30. 10:45am: Call Zenith WalMart, and renew prescription. Call Anne, and arrange details of trip to Zenith.

At 7 or so, there were still 10 minutes on my dryers. I went outside for a cigarette, and decided to wander over and make sure K-Mart's parking lot was still empty. It wasn't. The screaming horde had shown up. "Aw, shit! D's gonna kill me!" I ran over to join them.

Not counting the spectators, I was 9th in line. The rumor was that there were six PSII's available. But it was just a rumor, so I decided to stick around. The Playstation junkies turned out to be good company. We joked about suure, we'll save your place if you go buy donuts and voting people out of the line a la "Survivor" and "there's a new Playstation? I'm just here for the funnel cakes! Will they let me in, if I promise to just buy funnel cakes?" A good time was had by all.

A blonde employee came across the parking lot. We were all in high spirits, and someone shouted, "Hey, ma'am? I really have to go to the bathroom! Will you let me in, just for a minute?" She got all bitchy. "Piss in the parking lot!" she snarled. Well, ok, then. We tried to recapture the mood by threatening to do so, but the cameraderie had been destroyed. She had broken us. More people showed up. A subdued screaming horde began to form a line.

It turned out there were five PSII's. The first five people in line got them. The rest of us were all kind of standing around, trying to figure out what to do next. The blonde woman said there was another shipment due at 10, with 50 more PSII's on it. I swear she said this. I even made her repeat it. She offered to make a list of all of our names and phone numbers, so that when we came back at 10, she would know who gets priority before handing them out to the new screaming horde.

I figured I was covered. D. would never even have to know I screwed up, and missed being the first person in line.

I went back to the laundromat. Somehow, I had forgotton to hit "Start" on one of my dryers. I once again rethought out my day. 8:30am: Go home and get work shirt. Call WalMart and renew prescription. 8:45: Start laundry. 9:45, go back and get in line again. 10:00, call Anne.

***

(later)

I did actually get home by 8:30. I couldn't call WalMart, though, because I had no long distance. I'd received a letter saying They had shut off my long distance as a security measure, because I had made a lot of calls.

Now, as I understand it, the whole point of having long distance service is to allow me to make long distance calls. Why why WHY did They shut me off? Wanna hear the really clever bit? EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS! Apparently, that was more long distance than MCI thought I was entitled to. Granted, it was technically an unusual amount for me. I'm not calling a lot of long distance lately. Everyone I talk to is right here.

So, ok. I figured I would call MCI, and get this all sorted out. All I had to do was tell Them I wanted my long distance turned back on. It's a simple keystroke, right? I wasn't asking Them to physically reconnect any actual phone lines for me. They just had to push a fucking button. Maybe a few buttons. Hell, I could have done it myself if I knew what button to push.

I was on the phone for an hour. About 1/2 of that was me on hold. The other half was me being shuttled around for a chance to talk to every single fucking person in the building. The first person told me that I had called the wrong department. I had called the number on the letter I had received. But, ok. It's the wrong number. These things happen. He said he would send me to customer service. I thanked him.

Customer service said I really wanted to be in fraud control. I thanked her. Fraud control sent me to customer service. I was still ok. Maybe I had misunderstood where the first person said he was sending me, or maybe I had been misplaced and hadn't actually been to customer service yet. These people are honestly trying to help me. The next person I talk to will push the button, and all will be good.

I didn't catch the name of the next place I went. We didn't talk very long at all. She sent me to customer service. I was pleased. Yes, I thought. I am accomplishing something. Eventually, I will end up in the right place.

I was on hold for a really long time. That was Their fatal mistake. I might have been perfectly happy being shuttled around for days. Everyone I talked to was very polite. I was actually enjoying my time on the phone. But then They put me on hold AGAIN, and I had a chance to think.

I thought, You know, I've been on the phone with these people for a really long time. Well, a lot of it was on hold, but still...Wait, why have I been on hold so much? I have been on the phone for a fucking long time! I've got stuff to do today!

But it's not Their fault I've been on hold. They're trying to help me. That first guy was really nice, and the lady in customer service was nice, and although I didn't really get to know that fourth person, she seemed nice...Wha? Did I really talk to FOUR people already? You know, anger just might be justifiable right now.

No, I won't get angry. That won't accomplish anything. Even though I've talked to four people before her, this next person doesn't know that. She will be nice. I will be nice back. But ooh, if she doesn't help me, I will get angry.

The fifth person seemed very nice. After I recited my phone number and my name and the last 4 digits of my social security number and my speech about how "I recieved a letter saying my long distance was disconnected for security reasons, and I would like it switched back on now, please." I realized I had said this to every single other person I talked to. Maybe it was time for a new tactic. I told her, "Look, you're the fifth person I've talked to today. I'm really starting to get a little stressed out here." I said it nicely. I even laughed a little. She was very sympathetic. She said she would send me to someone who could help me. "Promise?" I said. I laughed again. She laughed, and said she promised.

Then she put me back on hold. Someone picked up relatively quickly. I gave this sixth person my speech. She said she was going to send me to fraud control. That was when I lost it.

"I've been to fraud control"

"No you haven't. You were in customer service."

Lies upon lies! Someone was lying to me. Maybe They all were lying. Maybe I had just been passed around one office for the last hour. ("Hey, Ruthie, you want a turn messing with Ana's mind now? It's great! She's pretending to be polite again!" "Can we put her on hold again? She keeps trying to sing along. I love it when she does that!") Ok, maybe that wasn't happening. But I knew it was time to get the hell off the phone.

"Look, just send me to your cancellation department instead." Yeah. That'll show Them. Well, no, it won't. But I'll feel better.

"You'll have to call your local provider to take care of that."

NGGGGH! Must. Remain. Calm. "Ok, great, thanks." And then I slammed the phone down as hard as I could. That sucks. I've been slammed. If you're not expecting it, and the person does it hard enough, it's loud enough to hurt a little. But that's really the only blatantly rude thing I did.

I looked at the clock, and saw that it was 9:45. I had to get back to K-mart.

I stopped briefly at the laundromat to start the work shirt load. I made it to K-Mart at 9:58. Strangely, there was no line. I went up to the service counter where I had last seen the blonde cashier who had told me she would have one of the new shipment waiting for me at 10. I was on a list and everything. Things were looking up.

It was a different cashier. Once I established that I was On The List, the cashier told me the list didn't mean shit. "There is no second shipment. I don't know why she told people that."

I processed a lot of things very quickly.

1) Aiiiiigh!

2) Why is everyone LYING to me today?

3) This woman has probably been dealing with people freaking out at her over this all morning. It's not her fault.

4) Oh, that poor woman. She probably hates the blonde cashier as much as I do right now, if not more.

4A) I wonder if she'd like me to kill the blonde wench for her. Maybe I could bring this cashier the severed head of the evil she-demon cashier WHO LIED TO ME! She'd probably like that.

4B)No, I think that might be a little hardcore. I could bring this cashier a toe or something though. I could do that. I could so do that.

5) Stop that. That's crazy-talk. MCI is still messing with my head.

"Ok, thanks anyway."

I went back and finished my laundry. I realized that in a way, "SCREW YOU PECKERHEADS!" had lied to me too, by pretending to be my work shirt.

I was home by 11. I decided I was ready to go back on the phone. I called my local provider. She pushed the button, and MCI passed out of my life. She said I would have to call MCI and tell them I was cancelling. (I had of course tried to do this. I asked for the cancellation department, and MCI VI wouldn't send me there. Another lie. Oh well.) I called MCI again, and the very first person I talked to pushed the magic button. It was so easy.

***

(much later)

Maybe cancellations are easier to deal with than bizarre letters. Or maybe I had spent the past four hours in some sort of personal hell. Strangely, I think that's the most plausible explanation. The rest of the day was fine. I wrote the first part of this. I drove Anne and Jack to Zenith. (The guy at the car lot lied. He wasn't there when he said he would be. But that really wasn't my problem. He wasn't lying to me.) He eventually showed up, and I drove home with plenty of time to get to work. Work went really well. It wasn't super busy, so I had time to pay atttention to what I was doing, and I made kick-ass tips. Go, me.

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