I may have mentioned him in passing. He's basically the one major bittersweet thing about my time in Tau. Our minds somehow always warped in similar ways. He introduced me to more or less my three favorite things in the world: bridge, Red Dwarf, and TMBG.

We had many long conversations. He compared one of my relationships to the TMBG song "She's an Angel" It made a huge impression on me. (Oh my god, he's right. I am following Atilla over the edge of the building! And yes. I once dated someone who preferred to be called "Atilla." I don't want to talk about it) I once compared the same relationship to a bridge bidding gone horribly wrong. ("I said one heart, and he said two hearts. All good. But I thought I'd better check for a weak suit. So I said two spades, and he said seven spades." If you don't play bridge, that won't make any sense to you. It had him giggling for days, though. ) There was the night he tried to teach me to French inhale. He does not smoke.

We kissed three times, I think. Twice we were drunk. The third time, he got mad.

I may be the only person who knows him who has never seen his penis. (Apparently, it's quite large, and he was always either whipping it out, or running around naked. But somehow, never when I was there.)

Over the summers, I would try to convince myself that he really wasn't that great. Sure, he had those incredible eyes, and sure, he was tall and lean and athletic, and sure, he was funny and probably the smartest person I knew, and sure, I knew he loved to cuddle, and sure, he supposedly has a dick like unto the gods, but I simply am not in love with him. It kind of worked. But then I'd see him for the first time, and I'd actually feel the impact of how terrific he was slam into me.

We never dated. The timing was always wrong. One of us was always either just broken up, or dating someone else.

Six years ago, he moved to Boston with Tara. But I still sometimes think about him. Christine is the only person who knows I've still got it for him hard.

And now I get this e-mail from him, saying he still thinks about me in that way too. D'oh!

I know I've got D. I know that I love him. More importantly, I know Kenny and Tara have been together almost eight years, and he lives 2000 miles away. But he still thinks about me sometimes, and that's enough to justify me still thinking about him.

Long long ago, I suggested to Christine that maybe it wouldn't have even worked. Maybe we were too much alike. Besides, there was no way the real thing could ever compare with this much buildup. She seemed doubtful. Dammit.

***

I moved away from Cowtown four years ago. Now I feel like my past is catching up with me. I'm thinking about a lot of things that I thought I'd resolved years ago. Maybe by going away, I was just putting my real self on hold for a while, and now that I'm back, all these things I thought I had distanced myself from are right in center stage again. You can go home again, but most people advise against it

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