Note: It occurs to me that most of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. It also occurs to me that explaining exactly who The Cat is will bore those of you who already know, and confuse those of you who don't and couldn't care less. I don't care, though. I've got Red Dwarf Fever, and I'm going to babble about it until my fingers bleed. Check back again tomorrow.

Ok? Is everybody but the other rabid RD fans gone now? Good.

Every few months, I become absolutely obessed with this bizarre cult brit sci-fi comedy thing, and nothing will appease me until I get the chance to sit down and watch a few seasons back to back. Our VCR eats tapes now, and has been demoted to the rank of "rectangular thing on which to place the cable box." It also seems to have the PlayStation wired through it somehow, so I guess it is serving some sort of purpose. The point is, I can no longer watch my Red Dwarf tapes. We can't buy a new VCR, because all extra money must go in the "Must Escape NowhereLand! (TM)" fund.

I found a site with Red Dwarf scripts on it once. That helped fight off the cravings that one time, but it's not enough anymore. Another time, I found the "Arnold Rimmer Fan Club." That amused me for a little while. There was a message board, and some people were doing nothing but swapping dialogue, and finding ways to quote RD no matter what was being discussed. But, a majority of the visitors seemed to be 14-year old girls who got wet thinking about Arnold Rimmer. I think he's the most interesting character, but Jesus Christ. He is not an attractive man.

They all had handles like "Ace" and "Rimmsie" and "AJ Rimmer Space Adventurer" and even "Arlene Rimmer" (The sad thing is, I know what all of those are references to. Ace Rimmer is Rimmer from a parallel dimension, a Rimmer who somehow turned out to be the most macho, heroic stud in the universe. "Rimmsie" is from this one time when Rimmer tries to convince Lister that they're best friends. ("I call you Listy, and you call me Rimmsie!" Later, "What, Rimmsie-whimsy-mimsy, me best ever pal?") Rimmer refers to himself as "AJ Rimmer, Space Adventurer!" the first time he meets Kryten. ("Well, what was I supposed to say? 'Fear not! We're the blokes who used to clean the chicken soup machine! We know smeg-all about space travel, but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!'") Arlene Rimmer is Rimmer's female counterpart in this other parallel dimension they visit. You know, they seem to visit a lot of parallel dimensions. Ace is from a parallel dimension, there's the reversed gender dimension, the backwards dimension, the good and evil dimensions....)

Ana stops babbling, and looks around. In the spaces around her brain where once vast armies of her teeming millions stood, hanging on her every word, there remains but one skinny guy with thick glasses and bad skin. He holds up a lighter. "Woo! Go, Ana!" he cries.

The point I was going to make before I got swept away by all the quotes, is that those people on the message board are freaks. Freaks, I tell you!

A lone tumbleweed rolls through the empty stadium which once housed Ana's fan base. There are crickets in the background. Somewhere far away, a voice is shouting, "Aah! I'm on fire! I'm on fire!"

OK, maybe I'm a freak too. I could understand the people quoting dialogue. That made sense to me. That was exactly what I was looking for. But, the point is, those people were far outnumbered by the insane teenieboppers drooling over Rimmer. Rimmer! This is what the place was like:

Ana: (in the course of normal conversation, mentions fish somehow)

SmEgHeAd: Why would a haddock commit suicide? Why am I even asking that question?

TalkieToaster: I AM A FISH. I AM A FISH.

AceRimmer: Hey, I should have said that. It's my line!

Rimmsie2: No, you're Ace. You say "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!"

(Ana's brain: Hee! This is great! I love these guys!)

OldIronBalls: R U takling about Rimer? hes the best!

ArleneRimmer: I love Rimmer!

Rimmsie4: rimmer is so dreemy.

Arnold6: does NE1 know if Rimmer is single? I luv him so much!

beer_milkshake: This is a great site. There's hardly any Anglophiles where I live. Do you guys talk about Blackadder too?

AceRimmer: Rimmer was in one episode of Blackadder, I think.

ArleneRimmer: what does anglephile mean? does it mean U love Rimmer? i luv him!

(Ana's brain: um, I think it's time to go now...)

See what I'm getting at? There's good psychotic fan, and then there's just plain eerie psychotic fan.

***

You know, I really feel better, getting all that off my chest. Maybe next time I start jonesing for Red Dwarf, I'll subject you to an essay about "Why I Like Each Of The Characters (Except for Season Eight Kochanski, Because She Sucks Ass)" but not today. Right now, I have almost no desire to talk about Red Dwarf at all. This is a good thing.

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