It's Saturday, again. I'm working, again. I'll be setting up the buffet, again.

I'm still worried about what the hell will happen when we've moved to Cowtown. (I'm still worried about why we're moving to Cowtown. I was talking with Arthur. He said the neat thing about Cowtown is that the college and the town are really two separate entities. Yeah, I said. And D. wants to live in the college part.)

I looked up Cowtown in WI JobsOnline! or whatever the hell it is. Nothing. Anhk-Morpork and Zenith both have listings, but they're all stuff I'm not qualified for, or just plain don't want. In food service (whimper whimper) they have a lot of listings for fast food (no way in hell) part time stuff that pays decently, or waitress stuff that pays shit. Goddammit.

I keep telling myself that if I get my hands on an actual classified ads section of a local paper, there will be dozens more choices. But I know I'm probably not qualified for any of them. I know fast food, telemarketing, and waitressing. None of these offer the kind of lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. I've got a student loan. I've got car payments. (Both of these are significantly less than those of a lot of other people, but I've got them, and they worry me.) There's a casino up near Anhk-Morpork, I think. But it's on the other side of Anhk-Morpork, and works out to about as much driving time as I would need to live in Cowtown and keep my current job. Feh.

I think I need to go back to school. I have no interest in a Dilbert job, but I think I should have one. So, I should go back to school, and study a bunch of stuff that doesn't appeal to me at all, so I can make the rest of my life financially stable, but completely miserable.

I'd like to work in a bookstore. Actually, I'd like to own a bookstore, but in a rare bit of foresight, I've realized that working in a bookstore is at least somewhat a step in the right direction. I could learn everything there is to know about ordering and placement and whatever else it is that bookstores do in a hands-on atmosphere, then, when the mysterious stranger decides to give me $50,000 because he's eccentric but good hearted and he realizes that all I really need is a chance, I could pay off my debts, and start my own business. Yeah, that will be pretty sweet. Maybe I'll buy a pony, too.

Ok. Let's just back that paragraph up to when it was still remotely possible. I would like to work in a bookstore. I know the pay would suck, but I'd be doing something I wanted to do. Maybe I could get a second job to support myself while I'm doing this job that I really want. I could be a gas station clerk, and get that little Dante and Randall fantasy out of my head. (Yeah, Clerks should have convinced me that's the last job in the world anyone would want. But Tom Robbins should have convinced me that waitressing sucks ass.) I love books. People who frequent bookstores just have to be more intelligent than people who frequent restaurants. I wouldn't have to dress up too much. I probably don't need experience. Working in a bookstore is probably the best job I could hope for.

It sounds so horrible, admitting that. But I really think it's true. I know nothing about computers. I still mostly hunt n peck, fer chrissakes. I have absolutely no interest in "making contacts" or "optimizing strategies" and all the other bizarre stuff Matt babbles about when he calls. (My friend Matt has been abducted by aliens, I think. He used to be normal in college, but at some point in the six months following graduation, he turned into a wanna-be yuppie. He frightens me.)

Looking back, this entry doesn't make a lot of sense. Let me start again.

I have no marketable skills. I'm looking at either entry-level white collar or something blue collar. I have an excessive fear of turning into Dilbert, so I won't even consider most office jobs. I probably could be a secretary for some small private office without sacrificing any moral integrity, but I will never get hired as one, because I can't use a computer at all, and I can barely type. Most phone systems cause me to break out in hives. Fax machines frighten me. Even photocopiers make me a little nervous. So, I am clearly not going to get a white collar job.

I don't want to work in food service anymore. I did the fast food thing a long time ago, and it sucked. Waitressing sucks, and would suck even more if it was some place that paid only normal waitress wages, instead of insane casino wages.

I probably could get a factory job, but eeew. I went to college, fer chrissakes. I deserve better than that.

So, what do people with English degrees do with themselves? Blake works in a bank, I think. (Matt syndrome) Karin bartends. (Been there, done that) Jamie is a housewife. (No, I need a job. D. can't get a good enough one to support both of us) Johnny is a henteaser. (Heh. Ignore that. I think for all practical purposes, he's another Matt.) I'm not sure what Derek is doing. Last I heard, he was still in school. (Ah, so we're back to that again. I loved being a Student. Being told to read a book is far preferable to "Tote that barge, lift that bale" or "Tote that tray, kiss that ass" or even "Call that name, read that script" (telemarketing flashback) or maybe "Do a little dance. Make a little coleslaw. Get down tonight. Get down tonight." (KFC disco remix flashback) It's just, I'm not sure if I really want to go back to school either. I probably wouldn't do anything more with a Masters than I'm doing with my BA. Then, I'd feel even worse about myself.)

So, OK. Most people with English degrees that I know are doing about as well as I am, or they have sold their souls. Strangely, that makes me feel a lot better. When we get to Cowtown, I'll get a shitty job, or maybe two, and everything will be alright.

Feh. I could go back and forth about this for hours. I'm going to stop, not because I've resolved anything, but because I know I won't, ever. I'm going to stress about this, until it's resolved, and there's just no way it can be resolved until it happens.

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